The True Mary Sue
by Java Green
Summary: The Java-Sue abomination continues. It just won't die! Ch. 8 up - hobbit cuddles, growing a spine, and the naked elves
1. The raging fever

TITLE: The True Mary-Sue

AUTHOR: Java Green

RATING: Pg-13, I swear, mild slash implications

SUMMARY: The lowest of the low, the evvvvil that infests the archives....the disease that blackens the honey-light of the writer's words...the shrill note in the perfect song of the muse. Be gone thou lusty wench, thou rapper of good plot lines and disturber of sweet slash! Caste thee off to the inferno's pits to simmer for all eternity! God damn it! I wrote a Mary-Sue. I wrote it as I myself would truly act in middle-earth. And I am ashamed.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters, except me, and refernce to Cassandra Claire's livejournals.

NOTES: I was sick. I hate Mary-sue's and yet, here I am writing the most Mary-Sue fanfiction you can get. 

The True Mary-Sue

It was that joyous time in a student's life known as Spring break. Both my roommates were off on vacation and I was left in a lonely apartment to feed the animals. How's that for excitement? To add to my bitterness I am also sick with a fever that sporadically comes and goes on it's own accord. Which is making everything difficult. As one moment I'm reading my emailthe next I'm babbling to the Iguana about dragon mating rituals. And if she could hook me up with any elves.

Yes, I've become obsessed with the movie Lord of the Rings. Though I read the book in grade 5 and was obsessed then. But now I've become initiated to the world of slash and it has taken on a whole new angle-several in factand at different speeds. Anyway, I was sitting there on my bored ass. With an empty jug of grapefruit juice to the right of me, a coffee brewing in the kitchen, an Iguana to the left of me and my babymac staring me in the face. As per usual I had already devolved into my natural state of bare feet, ponytail, tank top and clashing plaid lounge pants, as it is the perfect ensemble in which to slump at the computer and write slash. 

Unfortunately, my metaphoric muse had released her harem of plot bunnies, but was refusing to show her self to inspire me on another tale of wild man/elf sexcapades. With some good old angst thrown in for flavor. I sighed in frustration and continued to stare vacantly at the white page on my screen. While I awaited the boot of inspiration to make an impression on my ass. 

After a while of staring I began to feel drawn towards the light of my screen. So many little pixels of colorand blueto make one image on the screen. I found myself slipping into a daze and realized that my fever must have returned. My eyelids began to grow droopy as I started to fall from my chair. The last thing I recalled was the pure, bright white of the screen on my desk. Then, I blanked out. Presumably before I hit the ground because I'm sure I would have recalled the thud.

To my muddled astonishment, I awoke outside. Passing out one place and awakening in another was not something I did without large quantities of alcohol. Even then I had yet not to make it home. So this was a bit of a surprise to me. I had expected to find myself on my floor with a paper indent on my faceinstead I was on a bed. With trees around me. How odd. It was rather unnerving really. Had I been taken to a hospital? That would account for the bed, but the trees sort of corrupted that theory. Was I dead? That would account for the lovely floral smells wafting in the air, the organic sculpture of the bed and statues surrounding, and the ancient trees, and bright sunlight. Oh, shitWho was going to feed the animals?! It better not be meI thought grimly.

Nah, I couldn't be dead. What could have killed me? I was sitting pretty low to the ground and I just keeled over so I couldn't have broken my neck. My fever wasn't that strongit just made me tired, delusional and sweaty, it hadn't gone to a danger point yet. My blood sugar wasn't low. Maybe I'd fallen on my Legolas doll and his bow had gone through my ear into my brain? The chance of that was highly unlikely. But the thought of landing on Legolas brought a smile to my face. It was at this point that I knew I wasn't dead. As I think this place is much nicer than the one I was headed for, and not nearly as warm.

So I wasn't in a hospital, I wasn't dead, I hadn't taken any mind-expanding substancesso that left my fever. Of course, I was hallucinating. As the last thing I was thinking of before I blacked out was Legolas and Aragorn, I must be in Rivendell. Go me. Now I just had to sit back and await my twisted little imagination to bring on the naked dancing elves. 

Though, this did feel awfully real. The blankets were nice and silky and the feel of them sliding through my fingers exquisite. But, I had a very vivid imagination, and I never remember my dreamsso perhaps my hallucination was making up for that. 

I brushed off the feeling of unease and sat up in the bed. It was at this point that I realized I was not dressed. Shock predominated my thoughts, as the last person to see me naked was the doctor when I was born. Quickly, I wrapped the blanket around me toga style and tied it. I would have stapled, and duct taped it closed too if I'd had the means! In the few dreams that I remember, I was never naked. Me naked, not good dream material. Where the hell were my cloths? 

For a few moments I tried to mentally project my pants into the hallucination. Unfortunately, it didn't work. Damn it. I made sure the blanket was secure, and wrapped a second around me for insurance. Then began to walk around the ornate room in search of clothing. My tank top? A tunic? Gown? Robe? Fig leaf? Anything?! 

There really wasn't much room to walk around. As one wall was a balcony, eep, anyone walking by could have seen me! And the other was an archway into another room. Yes, this was Rivendell all right, the lack of walls, funky moldings and abundance of greenery being a big tip off. As well as the elf walking past on the balcony. I had to stop a moment in my frantic search of the room to stare open-mouthed at the gorgeous man/womanhard to tell really, pretty sure it was a male though. He had long white gold hair that radiated the sun's glow about his celestial, flawless skin. He turned and looked perplexed at me gaping from the room. Then moved swiftly away avoiding eye contact. 

Once my brain retook control of my actions from my sex drive, I went back to looking for cloths. Damn, I'd freaked out an elf. I paused in my search of the dresser. That was actually impressive as they live thousands of years. 

It was then that I heard two voices lowered in conversation approaching from the adjoining room. Hopefully it would be my naked elves. But, with my luck, it would be naked Gollum and Saruman. A sour look took over my facial features as I stood in motionless terror at the metal image that brought. Ew.

There I was standing by the bed with a look of mingled terror and disgust when Elrond and Gandalf walked in. They stopped speaking immediately and both took on a soothing, friendly expression. Obviously thinking I was upset about where I was and not by my twisted mind. Maybe the covers had a lot to do with it too. I managed to snap out of my disgust and smile sheepishly.

"Uhhi," I said waving meekly. Thank god I shaved this morning. 

Both smiled at me and approached. "Hello guest, I am Lord Elrond, and this is the elven city of Rivendell. My friend here is-"

Being naked was making me feel edgy. Being naked in front of these two was also giving me a rather pinkish glow. "Gandalf the gay-er-grey, sorry, yeah, I know. Could I get my cloths back, please? I'm feeling a little uncomfortable at the moment." 

A look of surprise and amusement appeared on the wizard's face while Elrond remained stoic. 

"Ah, so you've heard of me! Or is it that we've met before, on one of my travels? Though, as it seems you know me, I fear that I must admit I do not recall you. What is your name child? Where do you come from? Your appearance here is a bit of a mystery to us." Gandalf made himself comfortable by plopping down in a chair by the bed. Lord Elrond remained standing and watching me intently.

I could feel him using his 3 000-year-old brain to analyze me. Man, did I feel unworthy. 

"Uhno we've never met per say. Well, never in person. I guess in my head a few times, but I'm not sure that counts. Then I guess this meeting doesn't count either, come to think of it, so no, we've never met." And the babbling begins. 

Gandalf and Elrond were looking at me in confusion.

"Sorry, I talk when I'm nervous, it's normal. You get used to it and ignore it after a while. I'm Julie, though my friends call me Jules, or Java...as I spend a lot of time online these days. I'm from a little farming community called Carp. But I moved away to go to school. And I plan to move to a bigger city shortly. Umreally, I want my cloths; this is just weird, standing here. Naked and all."

My babble was greeted by two politely baffled expressions. As is with uncomfortable silence and other people, I seem to have the urge to fill it.

I giggled nervously as a thought struck me. "You know, I have almost as many names as Aragorn? Maybe more" Mentally I started to compare the lists. "Though, mine aren't as intimidating or regal. I mean, Blue Latte compared to Aragorn, son of.whatever, it just doesn't have the same effect."

Elrond's posture became even stiffer, and Gandalf looked downright suspicious. Which made me even more nervous as I looked between the two and at the floor for good measure. I had the sinking feeling I was getting into trouble. As it was my hallucination, I felt I had the right to feel a little put out by that.

"Sowhat day is it?" I asked. "It looks nice outrain much here?" I was seriously beginning to find the mosaic of the floor interesting. It had a rather Art Nouveau style to it. Wonder if Tolkien was inspired any by my favorite artist, Alphonse Mucha? 

Gandalf's powerful voice answered my question, "it is eleven o'clock in the morning of October twenty-fourth. And it doesn't rain much at this time of year."

My mental gears clicked. "The Twenty-fourth? At eleven? Hey, Frodo's, up by now, how is he? And why did he get a night-gown, while I didn't?"

Elrond and Gandalf were both wearing an expression of shock. Then, faster than I thought someone his age could move, Gandalf was standing over me. "How do you know of, Frodo?"

"Eep?" I backed away from the wizard and into the dresser. "Ow," I hit my heel on the bottom.

"And how would you know that he had a dressing gown, and has arisen, while at this time you have lay unconscious here?" Elrond's voice queried and he cocked his eyebrow. I loved when he did that.

Though admiring elves didn't seem appropriate at the moment. Since a rather scary old man was harassing me. Ah, whom am I kidding? When is it not the time to admire an elf? Man, I need a boyfriend. 

Both were staring at me trying to figure me out. "You are human are you not?" Gandalf leaned forward and looked into my eyes.

Should I be insulted? "Yes, " I said darkly.

Elrond was looking at me like a novelty. "She said that she had met you in her mind, but never in the flesh. She has more than one title, yet claims to come from a farming town that I have never heard before. She also seems to know of things that occurred, as her body lay dormant. It is unheard of for humans this age to posses magic, and yet, is it impossible?"

Gandalf frowned, "I feel nothing within her-"

I was insulted. "Hey!"

Gandalf ignored me, "but I cannot be sure." They seemed to remember that I was standing beside them. "How old are you, girl?

"Twenty-two. I'm not a gi-well, okay, compared to you two, I'm a kid. And what's this about my body being dormant?"

Elrond did the raised eyebrow again, and Gandalf looked thoughtful. "We seem to each have questions."

"I just want to know why you say I was unconscious, get some cloths, come to, and have my coffee."

More blank expressions. But I think they were getting to ignore stage in conversation with me. 

Gandalf went back to his seat and volunteered the answer. "Your arrival here is a bit of an enigma. You were found unconscious, by an elven scouting party, on the forest floor just outside of the city. They brought you to us just this morning. The healers were appraising you, but found nothing wrong. Then, Frodo, awoke and the household has gone into a bit of a commotion." 

I sighed and mumbled, "at least the floor part is right." Why can't my hallucinations be simple? Oh nomy brain has to pull in plot.

"The floor part?" asked Elrond.

"I was in my room, on my computer," odd looks. "Er, it's a box that lets you communicate with people who aren't in the room and it stores information. I was trying to write at the time. I felt drowsy, blacked out, and now I'm here. I thought I'd wake up on the floor you see." A wonderfully feeble attempt at explaining things.

Gandalf's eyes widened, "you posses a magic talisman then?"

"Guess you could say that. Though, the computer can be more trouble then help at times."

"So it's a double-sided magic?"

"Pretty much."

"Is this, com-pewtr, what has given you the ability to know of myself, and of, Frodo?"

A bad slashy thought skipped merrily through my mind at that statement. "Umin a way, though I did read the book first."

Elrond looked utterly perplexed, it was kind of cute really. "Book? What has a book to do with us?"

I could see I had lost them and was simply leaving them further behind. I decided to be a fantasy writer for the moment. "Hmmmlet's put this in Middle-Earthish terms. I had a magical book that allows me to read of certain events here in Middle-earth. I can't control what it tells me, but it has been fairly in-depth in events regarding the One Ring."

Both stared at me in wonder. "How can a book hold such power?" Elrond demanded.

"Words have lots of power, just ask anyone in advertising or politics."

Gandalf nodded solemnly. "And, in magic. Where is this book? What does it speak of the fate of the hobbits?"

Uh oh. I could barely see the rim of the hole I had dug myself. "It's at home. It says a whole lot. But I'm not telling because I don't know if it would alter reality, or if fate dictates reality no matter what, or if this is reality for that matter." I still wanted my pants back. "Really, I just can't process the philosophy of it right now. I'm confused, I miss my pants, and I'm getting hungry." 

When in confusion, whine and bitch. It makes you feel so much better.

Elrond seemed to regain his hosting abilities. "I shall have clothing brought to you momentarily. As for food, as a guest in my home, you are invited to dine at the feast which is being prepared in Frodo's honor." 

"Cool. The hobbits are so cute. When and where is this feast?"

"Tonight, in the main hall."

"And where would the main hall be, precisely?"

Elrond smiled warmly. "I shall have someone escort you there."

A thought occurred to me as the college student within struggled to be heard. "Will there be dwarvian ale? I'd like to try some of that. Oh, and will there be vegetarian dishes? I'm allergi-meat causes me a great deal of pain if I eat itoh shit. I don't have my insulin!" Panic.

Gandalf and Elrond exchanged worried glances. 

"Meat pains you?" Gandalf asked.

"What is insilin?" 

Damn their lack of science. "Insulin is a magical fluid that keeps me alive. And yes, I can't digest meat. Unless you want me throwing up all night. It's rather unpleasant."

Then reality struck me again. This was a hallucination. "Oh, never mind. I'm sure if I eat here one it won't kill me."

Shock crossed Elrond's face, "kill you?"

"Forget it. Don't worry. I'll manage for now. Cloths would be good though." I adjusted the toga as it began to slip a little. 

Both men left the room and began speaking in elvish. It really is a beautiful tongue. Unfortunately, I knew what they were discussing was me. Crazy-toga-human. Oh well. I'd better get to see Legolas in this hallucination, or I will be very disappointed.

*****

I ambled along beside my elven guide, later that evening, thinking that this is the longest hallucination I'd ever heard of. I'd been given a gown, and it had taken me about an hour to figure out how to get all the fastens right. But in the end it was clothing. Very light and flowy material that glimmered in soft light. I approved. I almost looked graceful! Which is not an easy task. Too bad I couldn't have done something to my hair. For now it just hung down and loosely curled as usual. I continued to look around and study the aesthetics of architecture of the elves as well as the elves. Often causing my guide to pause in his stride and wait for me to stop staring or poking at something. 

"Sorry, I'm easily distracted by shiny objects."

He just smiled indulgently and began to walk once more. 

"How do elves get their hair so neat and glossy? You'd think that being immortal it would become dull and dry out after a while, but I guess it grows back in fast enough. Though, do some elves have hair that is thousands of years old still on their heads? Wow, that's a lot of hair. Do you use an herbal conditioner?"

I don't think it would be possible to describe the exact look that was on the elf's face. "I have never thought on it." He confessed.

"Oh." There really wasn't much more to say. "Nice tapestry."

"I am fond of it as well."

"Indeed?"

"I find it soothing to the eye."

"I just like blue."

"Oh."

"It's a very nice blue, mostly slate would you say?"

"I believe so, yes."

We finally arrived to the hall were tables were laden with food and people of all sorts were talking. It was very loud, and very beautiful, especially to my stomach. My inner student noted the kegs lined up against the far wall and a date was made. I continued to ogle at all the people gathered and tried to spot the fellowship members. A living Where's Waldo came to mind. The walls were illuminated by the caressing glow of candlelight. The sheer numbers turned the caress to an outright punch to the retina. I made sure to follow my guide closely so I wouldn't loose him as I was ogling. 

I was taken to a table and seated amongst a group of dwarves. I found it disturbing that I was but half a foot taller than some of the dwarves were. I also found their smell disturbing. The words 'damp basement' mixed with 'fermented yeast' and 'iron' came to mind. I smiled and tried not to inhale more than was absolutely necessary. 

The food was served, and I gorged myself to the point of being unable to stand, on dishes that I didn't recognize. By the time we were through with the food I'd managed to impress my helmeted friends. To show their appreciation of a fine metabolism, they brought me ale. As everyone knows you need something to wash out the food with. It was rather bitter, and potent. After a few, I really didn't care anymore. Hell, I'd become accustomed to the dwarf odor, and I was really getting a kick out of them. They were great! They were hilarious! Actually, the elves were pretty funny too! Hehepointy ears, and Gandalf's pointy hat. I love dwarves! They're great! I told them this a few times to make sure they heard me. I made sure to mention that I thought the elves were all sexy bitches as well. I want an elf. Heheone of the dwarves fell over, and he was sitting. 

At one point, Gimli joined our group.

"GIMLIIIIIIII!" I screamed and gave him a bear hug. 

He laughed and hugged me back, then sat beside me with another ale.

"Sso, how do yew ge' your braids so thik?"

"Wh' do yew mean?" he asked.

"Wh'n I braid ma hair, it's aways lopsided an' thin. How d' yew ge' yours ssssso thik?"

"'tis a secrrrret young lass, passed down frrrom one dwarrf to anoterrr!"

"Say Morrrrdorrrr!"

"Wh' everrrr forrr?"

"I love th' way yew pronownce iht!"

He laughed for quite a while at that. Well, so did I for that matter. Abruptly he cried out, "moRRRRRRdoRRRRRRRR!" 

I love it when he says it, you can feel the sternum vibrate and the saliva flow. "Evah nodicewh'n anyone says morrrrdorrrrrr, they rrroll der rrrrrrrrr's? To make id dat morrrre evvvvvil? Eeeevil as in frrruitss of the devvvvvviill, eeeevvilll. Hehe." So, I married an Axe murderer quote. I love that movie. In fact I love everyone right about now. I entertained myself with the dwarves for a time before I decided to ask Gandalf if I could wear his hat. I rose from the table and the room swayed and blurred a bit. Strange how that happens. Gimli gave me a friendly slap on the back that nearly drove my spine through my chest as I left. Guess size really isn't everything.

I stumbled around the room for a bit hugging random elves for the hell of it. I wasn't quite that drunkbut they didn't know that. Finally, I made my way out to a balcony where Gandalf was seated with his pipe. I plopped down beside him grinning like an idiot.

"Hi."

"Hello."

"Can I wear your pointy hat?"

Once again I was given a look of perplexment. "I see that you have befriended the dwarves."

"They're fun, once you get used to the smell."

He chuckled softly and took a drag on his pipe. Reaching upwards he removed his hat and plunked it on my head. It was too large and fell over my face, but I didn't care, I was wearing Gandalf's hat! Whoo hoo!

"Thank you."

"You're a very odd girl."

"Crazy in an amusing way, and harmless, is the usual description."

He chuckled again and continued his intermitted puffing. 

"Hobbit weed?" I asked after a few moments of silence.

"Yes, very good batch. Would you like to try? As you seem so curious to try everything else." His eyes twinkled as he held out his pipe.

"Sure, as I already am drrrunk, and I'll try most things once if I'm sure it won't kill or main me." I took the pipe and puffed. 

"Interesting philosophy." 

I coughed at the harsh taste of the hobbit weed and handed back the pipe. "I thought it would be more mellow than that."

He shrugged and went back to puffing. "It's effective enough."

"Argh," was my reply between coughs. 

"So you're a normal human with magical talismans, and you claim to know the path of the One Ring. What are we to do with you?"

"A night alone with, Legolas, and chocolate sauce?" Did I say that out loud?

Gandalf stared at me with his pipe hanging on his bottom lip. "Excuse me?"

Apparently. "Never mind. My bad."

We sat in silence for a while longer. As I looked out onto the night I noticed two small figures padding across one of the bridges. A moment later they were followed by two more. "The hobbits?"

"Yes, delightful race of creatures they are."

"Yeah, they remind me of puppy dogs. So loyal and cuddly."

"I say that is an accurate description."

Here was a moment of truth. I had to know, "Are Sam and Frodo shagging?" Gandalf choked when he inhaled half his pipe. "I mean, it's so obvious that they arebut it's never stated out right! You know they love each other. But do they LOOOOOVE each other? Not that I want second by second play details, I like the hobbits, but I'm not really a pervy hobbit-fancier type. I like the Aragorn/Legolas pairing best. For some reason that quiet, confident, sexier than sex aura gets me. Plus the pairing is just ripe with angst. And I am an angst slut. Gandalf, are you alright?"

I ran over and patted his back desperately in hopes of dislodging the pipe. 

***And so ends part one of the Java-Sue. Will I wake up from my fever? Will Gandalf choke to death on his pipe, or turn me into something unnatural? Will we find out who is shagging whom? Will Gimli show me how to braid my hair? Will I get my naked dancing elves? I don't know.


	2. Gandalf catches on

I stood guiltily staring at the floor outside a closed chamber a while later. I was gnawing thoughtfully on my bottom lip with Gandalf's hat still slumped on my head obscuring my face. The silvery blue gown was beginning to feel uncomfortable. I wanted to sprawl on the floor and contemplate my impending doom but in a dress that was impossible to do while maintaining any level of dignity. After running up a few flights of stairs I was also beginning to miss my underwire support. These slender elves didn't seem to have to worry about the affect gravity and motion had on certain loose parts of the female anatomy. 

I continued my study of the floor while I awaited news of Gandalf. Currently, he and Lord Elrond were locked in the room behind me, as Elrond used his mystical healing powers in attempts to remove the pipe. 

Naturally, I felt bad. I may have killed Mithrandir. So much for not interfering with fate and all. If he died what would this do to the fellowship? Elrond and the Balrog were going to kill me.

My ears picked up the sound of quick footsteps approaching. I tilted up my head so I could see out from under the rim of the pointy hat. The sound of feet in motion became a visual as Aragorn and Arwen turned the corner and froze in place as they spied me.

"Hi," I said glumly. "Are you armed?"

The two exchanged confused glances and it was Arwen who replied. "No, we do not carry weapons in my father's home. It is well protected. Why would you make this query?"

"To gauge how fast I should run and the amount of screaming I should do."

Aragorn frowned at me, "Why is this?"

"Oh," I straightened off the wall and my body tensed to flee. "I may have killed Gandalf. Should I make an attempt to run now?"

Both looked startled at my confession.

"What is this? Who are you to make such a dreadful claim in my father's household?" Arwen's voice was harsh and she was looking kind of scary. Aragorn moved forward in a half-hearted protective fashion. Though, I'm sure he was as aware as I, that Arwen could probably defend herself. Not to mention kick his ass around middle-earth a few times for fun in the process.

I was just about to bolt when the door opened and Elrond stepped out into the hallway. 

"Is he all right?" I asked from somewhere under the hat.

I presumed he was looking at me, at least his feet were.

"Yes, child, he is recovered."

I breathed in relief. "Thank God."

"Elrond, what is this?" Aragorn's rich voice inquired. My ears were purring with contentment at the sound. Now that I knew I wasn't going to be slaughtered I could go back to my admiration.

"I'm, Jules, actually."

The silence and stillness of the feet told me I was getting odd looks again.

"I was in reference to Gandalf."

"Oh."

"How is it that this child could claim to have inflicted his demise?" Arwen's voice was all soft and elegant again. "And from whence has she came upon our company, father?"

"I asked a question and he choked on his pipe. And I fell off my chair."

"You fell off your chair?" Aragorn asked.

"She is a highlyunusual human, Estel, her presence here seems to stem from that of sorcery."

"What kind of sorcery, father? Anything that we should be weary of in regards to our guest?"

"Neither, Mithrandir, nor I can explain her. She has a form of long-sight that could prove both helpful and deadly. As for her intentions, we have yet to be sure."

"I really wish you'd stop talking about me in the third person when I'm here. I'm getting a headache. Maybe I shouldn't have drank so much with the dwarves. And I'm getting the munchies. My intentions, now that I know Gandy's okay, are to go to bed and pass out." And I'd better not come to until I see Legolas. I pushed the hat up on my head and looked up at the faces staring at me with interest. Elrond and Arwen were both giving me looks of that bordered on bafflement and wonder. Aragorn smiled warmly at me when I met the uncertainty in his eyes.

"Wow, you have the coolest eyes. And when you wash your hair you really do lookregal," I mumbled in awe. I glanced at his neck and noticed the light of the moon as it reflected off the pendant there. "Oh, so she gave you her pendant on the balcony then. That sucks."

Elrond's eyes went wide and he turned his attention to the couple. Arwen's mouth dropped open in shock. And Aragorn looked nervous.

"How did youshe but pledged herself to me a moment ago. What do you mean by this?" Aragorn's eyes burned with worry.

I was feeling worn out and really didn't care to know about their fantasy romance. "Nothing, it's just weird and all. Elrond being your foster-father and such. The whole giving up immortality and youth for a few years of intense passion and hard-core monkey sex. Then having it fade to sitting on the balcony arguing about dinner, the kid's grades, and matching sox for fifty years or so. It also just gets in the way of good slash. Which pisses me off. Anyway, I'm going to go find a bed, with any luck Legolas will be in it. Have fun at the council tomorrow. G'night." I turned and wandered off down a hallway that looked like it might take me back to my room.

Of course, it didn't, and I ended up wandering around Rivendell for a couple hours in search of bed. At least I got to ogle at the beauty of it in the moon's soft glow. But after a while my feet hurt, my heat hurt, and I was down right cranky. I came across where the council would be held in the morning and noticed two small forms sitting on the podium on which the ring would be placed. 

They were singing.

Well, I needed directions. Might as well stop and ask.

"Hello?"

The two figures froze and looked towards me. I could hear whispers as I approached them.

"Oh no, Merry, what should we do?" asked a heavily accented voice. "Are we supposed to be here?"

"Don't ask me, Pip, I don' know where here is! Is that, Gandalf?"

"Oh no! Merry, he shrunk!"

"I'm not, Gandalf, I just borrowed his hat." I walked up to the two hobbits on the podium and looked them in the hair. "I'm, Jules, nice to meet you."

"Hello! I'm Peregrin Took, and this is Meriadoc Brandybuck. 'tis nice to meet you too! You seem a little chubby to be an elf -"

"Pip!" Merry hit him and nearly knocked him off his perch.

"What?! I was just sayin' I've never seen-" Merry hit him again. "Ow! I like rounded women! Ow!"

"Pip! That's not a polite thing to say to a lady!"

"Aye, as said lady might kick your hairy ass," I stated. "What are you two doing here at this hour?" I looked at their dilated pupils and permi-grin plastered faces and realized it was a rhetorical question. "Have a few good pints at the party?"

Their faces were one hug smile as they started to giggle. "I still can't believe it comes in pints!" Exclaimed Pippin.

"We're not done yet!" was Merry's reply and he held up a flask as proof. "Want some?"

"Ah hell, why not? My brother used to say the best cure for a hangover was beer." I sat on the podium beside the cute little hobbits and took a swig nearly knocking off the hat.

"That's a good sayin'!"

"Hey! We saw you at the feast!"

"You did?" I passed the flask to Merry who took a swig.

"Yeah! Yous was having a dwarf braid your hair!"

"Gimli, did a great job of it too," I commented running my hand over the thick braids. "Speaking of the feast. I'm hungry again." 

The two hobbits looked at me with admiration. "So are we!"

"Do either of you know where we could get something to snack on?"

They grinned and I could see the twinkle in their eyes. "Do we!" 

They began rummaging through their clothing and pulled out various foodstuffs. I was impressed that Pippin had somehow managed to put an entire pie on his person and not crush it. "Wow, Pip, I think you're my new hero."

He blushed and beamed with pride. Together we chatted about pointless things. Though, for the most part we were silent due to the food inhalation. This was a damned good pie. Some sort of berry medley? It was also very messy as the hobbits were juicy and my gown had handprints on it by the time we were through. I wasn't worried as I'm sure elves had developed some sort of super detergent to keep their cloths so shiny and white all the time. I should ask Elrond about that later.

Eventually we decided to stand up and try and find our rooms. I was getting tired, and the hobbits were very drunk. So drunk in fact, that they passed out in a bush on our way out of the meeting area. I just shrugged and decided to find my room on my own. I was too tired to try and drag them somewhere more comfortable. Besides, they looked kind of happy sprawled over each other on the ground. Cute little hobbits. I patted them both on the top of their heads, wished them a goodnight, and walked away.

I woke up sprawled on a bench outside. I'd given up on the room idea and just plunked myself down to nap a few hours ago. Now the sun had risen and taken the world in her warm embrace as the birds trilled with merry greeting to her touch. I wanted to strangle all the little bastards and pull down a blind. I'm not a morning person.

Forcing myself into an upright position with much effort I became highly aware of the sound of waterfalls. I also became aware of their effect on my brimming bladder. I leaped from my seat and began to prance towards the palace in desperation. Please let me make it!

I bolted across an arched bridge and into a door, through a hall, over a couple of startled elves and ran through a door intoa bunch of surprised faces. I'd run into the council meeting and the Fellowship was standing together facing Elrond.

"Another one?" A surprised voice asked.

"You," accused Aragorn. Merry, Pippin and Gimli waved at me. 

Gandalf smiled softly, "so that is where my hat has been! I had begun to wonder at its disappearance."

Elrond looked exasperated. "I guess this means you will be joining the fellowship as well?"

For a moment I was completely stunned. So stunned that even my tongue was frozen. But, only for a moment. "Erno. I don't think so."

"Why not?" Asked another elf.

"Why aren't you? Look being shot at by ugly orcs and having Saruman try to turn me into compost, is not what I would call having a happy time. Now, if you'll excuse me, is there a washroom around here?" I began to wiggle in my urgency.

"Washroom?" Someone asked.

"Yes, you'd think after 3 000 and some years elves would have proper plumbing."

"Why would she come on our quest?" Demanded an arrogant voice. I wouldn't have cared excepted the emphasis placed on she. I turned to see it was Boromir, I gave him my best I-am-woman-who-is-blessed-with-the-ability-to-give-man-life-and-if-you-aren't-respectfull-I-will-revoke-that-gift-you-pervy-hobbit-fancier-and-destroyer-of-the-fellowship-look. He looked startled and backed away.

"Impressive," mumbled Gandalf under his breath. Poor Lord Elrond looked startled and the hobbits were clutching at Aragorn and Gandalf. 

"Sorry," I mumbled turning red. The others regained their composure and Boromir looked sheepish.

"Your knowledge would prove invaluable to the quest," said Gandalf. "We would be grateful for your company and input."

"Of course my knowledge would be invaluable, I know what's going to happen!" I snapped and continued to wiggle. "There's no way, yes, I'm a coward and proud of it! I can't fight, I'd be dead before we reached Lothlorien!"

Gandalf's eyebrows shot up. "Lothlorien? You don't say."

"We could teach you to defend yourself, and we would protect you as well," Aragorn's silky voice offered.

I laughed, and nearly wet myself. "Look, I've the hand-eye coordination of a rock, and you want to give me a weapon? Ha! And how do you expect to protect Frodo, and me, eh? Hypothetical situation, our company is asleep, we're surrounded by orcs, we wake up but are separated, Frodo is being carried off and an orc has a sword above my headwhat do you do?"

Aragorn looked distressed, but answered plain, "I would save the ring-bearer. All our futures rest on his shoulders." He placed his hand on Frodo's shoulder. The cute little hobbit turned his massive eyes up to the ranger and then back at me.

"No wonder there's so much Frodo/Aragorn slash out there" I mumbled. 

"I would come to yourrrr defense!" Gimli vowed hefting his broken axe.

I smiled at him, "Thank you, but I'm still not going. And thank you again for showing me that braid style! It's still in!"

The dwarf seemed to blush. At least I thought he blushed, as there's not much face between helmet and beard to analyze. "You arrrre welcome lass."

"I will help teach you to defend yourself, and at most, to avoid confrontations," a soft rich voice floated through my ears and curled around my brain.

I turned to the speaker and stood ogling with open lust at Legolas Greenleaf. 

"juh" I said. My knees were jelly, I think I'd just experienced an instant orgasm. 

A slight breeze caused a few loose locks of white gold hair to stir and the light from the sun radiated off porcelain flesh. Dark, mysterious eyes searched mine. My brain chose this moment to go on vacation and left my hormones in charge of my body. Never a good thing. I tried again for speech, but it didn't work. Instead I just pointed, "nuh"

Gandalf suddenly stood in front of me and effectively blocked my view of Legolas. 

I growled in resentment.

"Will you not come and fight with us? Will you not join us to defend Middle-Earth from the powers of all consuming darkness?"

"Can't talkpretty elfmust stare," I whispered.

With that, Gandalf took another tactic. He lowered his voice to a whisper, "if you say yes, then, Legolas, will teach you hand to hand combat." 

Thoughtful pause as my hormones envisioned this.

"I get to wrestle with the pretty elf?"

"Yes."

"You're a tricky, dirty old man."

"I prefer the term cunning." His eyes crinkled as he smiled down at me.

"Can I keep the hat?"

"No."

"Oh."

"But you get to roll around in the dirt with the pretty elf."

"Damn you."

"Is that a yes then?"

"Argh. But, I can't promise you anything about information."

"That is acceptable." He straightened and addressed the group and let me return to my ogling. "She shall accompany us in our quest!" 

Merry, Pip and Gimli seemed pleased, yet confused. Frodo and Sam smiled in greeting and Aragorn nodded. Boromir was sulking and Legolas looked uncomfortable. I guess me staring at him was starting to get unnerving. 

"I'd better not get killed."

"I can not promise you anything," was Gandalf's reply.

"Shit."

There was a moment as the company began to make preparations and I tugged on Gandalf's sleeve. "UmGandalf?"

"Yes?"

"Where's the washroom?"

"That way," he pointed.

"Thanx," I breathed in relief and bolted. I was grinning like an idiot as visions of Legolas wrestling danced in myhead. Then my brain decided to make a comment. Why the hell did I agree to this?! My hallucination was taking me on the quest. Crap. 

I'm going to die.

*****

***And here part two is complete. Will Legolas be able to hold my attention away from my loins long enough teach me anything? Will Legolas run in fear of me? What will happen when I see the One Ring? Will I get out of the quest? We still don't know who's shagging whom! Where are the naked dancing elves? And can I talk Gandalf into letting me keep the hat?


	3. The fellowship vs. my inner klutz

I was standing in a clearing that afternoon dressed in a loose green tunic and leggings. To my extreme happiness my bra had been returned with my clothing to my room. Which I had finally found after cornering Elrond when the meeting was finished. 

Now I stood surrounded by the fellowship. This wouldn't have been a negative thing except for the fact they were attempting to get me to posses any combat skill at all. It was proving futile. I am not made for physical exertion. 

Aragorn handed me a short sword, "here, try this."

I picked it up awkwardly and studied it. The hilt was a plain metal cross with a leather wrap on the handle. The blade was bright and straight. I hefted it, and flailed it about in the air; the sun's rays blinding me as it arced. It wasn't very heavy, but it was very sharp. 

Aragorn seemed to cringe as he watched my awkward sweeps. "Let us attempt some simple blocking moves." He unsheathed his sword smoothly and stood before me. The thing was huge. I blinked and stifled my snicker at the thoughts in my mind. He then brought his sword up and swung it towards me. 

I dropped my sword, screamed and ran behind Frodo. Probably not the bravest blocking move in the world but effective none the less.

He glared at me in frustration and Boromir snickered. 

"I hate to point this out, Jules, but that was not a blocking move," Boromir said smoothly.

"It stopped him didn't it?" 

He looked taken aback by that comment. Aragorn's lips twitched and I could see Gandalf smile around his pipe.

"Look, this isn't going to work. There's no way you're going to make me into a decent fighter. I can't use the sword, I nearly killed Pippin when we tried the bow, if it wasn't for his helmet we'd have two Gimli's when I tried the axe, and then I almost made Aragorn a eunuch when he tried to show me how to throw daggers." There was a collective cringe in the fellowship as they recalled that one.

"And poor Legolas still hasn't come down from that tree," Merry pointed out.

"How could I know elves were so sensitive about being tickled?"

"Actually, I think it was the hair pulling, kicking and biting that put him up there."

"Well, he told me to defend myself."

"I don't think that biting his ear was a legal combat move."

"He bit me first."

"After you pulled his hair."

"He had me pinned to the ground!"

"Because you kicked him in the shins."

"He punched me first!"

"Because you twisted his nipple!"

"Hey, he had that coming, he was trying to pin my arms against my back."

"Only because you were scratching him."

"He kicked me in the side first."

"Because you pinched him."

"Well, he wouldn't stop tickling me!"

"You started tickling him!"

"He was sitting on me, it was my only defense."

"You're right, Legolas, did start it." 

"Crazy elf," mumbled Gimli.

"Stupid Dwarf," replied a tree.

Aragorn sheathed his sword with a sigh. "Gandalf, she speaks true. Though, I am not one to give up, I can admit defeat when it stands before me. Getting this child to have any useful combative skill is futile. "

"I agree," I stated.

"This girl belongs in a house, not on the battle field," Boromir said.

"I agree. I'm highly skilled at sitting on my ass."

"Too bad words couldn't kill Orcs, as her mouth is far more skilled than my axe!" Gimli commented with a grin.

The hobbits smiled. I patted Frodo on his mop of curly hair as I was still cowered behind him. Hobbits are so cute.

"I can not claim to be any better of a fighter than, Jules, but both of us shall try our hardest," Frodo's soft voice floated up to me.

Now I felt guilty. This cute, innocent creature was going to go through so much to get rid of a silly ring. "Yes, we will," I found myself agreeing before my brain had time to put a stop to it.

"But you are the most inept fighter I have ever seen! At least, Frodo, can hold his sword properly."

"At least I can admit my faults," I grinned viscously at Boromir. He looked insulted and I started to feel bad again. I mean, he wasn't a bad guy. He was just a bitmislead. "Sorry, Boromir, I'm just a little testy. You know us temperamental women, eh?"

"I still think we should leave her behind."

"One minute we're all nice and sweet."

"She's a hindrance and a distraction to us." 

"Kind and loving"

"She'll get the ringbearer killed."

"Then we'll turn around and rip your balls off." I picked up a branch and charged screaming at Boromir who turned and ran in fear. Well, I would too if a five foot four inch human came screaming like a banshee swinging a big stick at me. 

"Of course!" Aragorn exclaimed happily. "She'd be best suited with a staff as a weapon."

"Good choice. Sturdy, no sharp edges, good for support," Gandalf agreed.

Legolas dropped from the tree with the grace and delicacy of a butterfly and landed beside Pippin and Merry who were having a snack. "It offers protection when used correctly, yet inflicts the least amount of damage when mishandled," he murmured. 

"Jules! Stop that a moment and come here," Aragorn requested. There was something about his voice that made his gentle requests a command. I froze in mid swing as I chased Boromir about the clearing and trotted over.

"You called, master?"

"Legolas." Man, I love it when he said Legolas. It was a gentle purr that gave me a warm pink fuzzy. There had to be something going on with those two! Though, if Arwen ever found out, there would be some serious ass kickings. Anyway, back to paying attention"and I will show you how to defend yourself using a staff."

"Cool. So I guess that makes you Xena and, Legolas, Gabrielle, eh?"

"Who?"

"Never mind."

"We need to find you a staff of an appropriate heightLegolas? Is there a branch near by that would be appropriate?"

"I shall see," his soft confident voice promised as he dashed obediently away. Yep, he was so Aragorn's bitch.

I caught Gandalf's eye and raised my eyebrow as I glanced at the departing elf and watching ranger. See? I thought. 

The wizard smiled and winked at me. Replying with a now-I-see-what-you've-been-talking-about-look.

I glanced at the group of hobbits chatting under a tree and returned my eyes to Gandalf with a what-about-them?-there's got-to-be-something-going-on-look.

He replied with a mischievous you'll-find-out-look.

Cool. I looked. Then, do-you-have-any-more-hobbit-weed-look?

His eyes crinkled with his smile, I'll-bring-some-of-the-good-stuff-by-tonight-but-you-should-be-paying-attention-to-Aragorn-look.

Oh, yes, Aragorn was speaking to me. I snapped my attention back to the ranger. "Eh?"

He sighed and started over.

****

The white intricate structures of Rivendell spread out below me. The water and trees seemed to entwine through the structures as though it was all one living being of curved and slender beauty. The moon's light softly kissed the being of Rivendell below her from her perch in the night sky. Her affections making the scene glow with mystical warmth. Rivendell, was a mere reflection of her inhabitants, my mind thought.

"Very Pretty," I mumbled taking a puff on the pipe.

"Indeed," Gandalf agreed from his perch beside me.

My back pressed against the rough bark of the tree as my legs dandled on either side of the large branch I was straddling. Gandalf's hat was pulled down over my face and I still wore my tunic and leggings. Gandalf was perched on a branch to my left, and we were passing the pipe back and forth.

We were sitting in a very high tree overlooking the valley in which Rivendell was cradled. As I am inept at climbing, it was Gandalf's magic that got us both up there. But, I promised not to tell anyone.

I was deeply relaxed. I am always more comfortable in the night's embrace than the day's harsh hold. And I've always been fond of trees, so ancient and peaceful. Sitting up here in one overlooking the breathtaking beauty that was the elves' home was as close to heaven as I could come. 

With the exhaustion of today's training, it was twice as sweet. Plus a substantial amount of the best weed in the shireneither Gandalf nor I would be moving for quite some time.

I had remembered to bring munchies and they were stored in a pack hanging from a branch between us. Just at arms reach, so the minimal amount of effort was required.

I passed the pipe to Gandy. "So pretty up here."

He started to giggle. "You said that already."

I started to giggle too at Gandalf giggling. Soon we were both laughing so hard that he almost fell out of the tree. That forced us to stop a moment to pull him back onto his branch. 

"Why are we laughing?" For the life of me I couldn't think what was funny.

"I don't know!"

We glanced at each other and burst into a fit of giggles once more. Soon we were both in a terrible amount of pain and my cheeks hurt. "Damn, permi-grin...it hurts." More gasping laughter until we were both crying.

"I love you guys!" I cried out happily.

"Who?"

"Evvverrrybody!" I got mellow again as I looked over the valley. "It's so pretty."

Gandalf laughed himself off the branch and landed with a loud thwud on the ground below. I looked down, "Gandy?"

"Ow," came a muffled voice.

"Everything is all right! Elrond broke my fall!" I heard Gandalf laugh.

"Muphif?"

Gandalf giggled, "thanks old chum!'

"Minph phawt fold!"

After a couple of tries Elrond and Gandalf made it up the tree. They made themselves comfortable and the pipe was restocked. I started to babble, "I wonder what it would look like to someone standing under us? A wizard, and an elf lord in robes, and a girl in a tree."

"Good thing I wore pants," Gandalf mumbled.

"That's a community service."

Elrond started to giggle.

"Are you wearing pants?" Gandalf accused.

"No," Elrond laughed. "I don't need pants! I have a robe of office."

"I like pants." I stated. "Much more comfie than a dress. Don't you feel a draft Elrond?"

"Kindabut it's refreshing."

We all giggled hysterically. 

There was a moment of companionable silence broken only by the soft puffs on the pipes. Then Elrond spoke up, "I'm going to kill, Estel."

"Why?"

"He's sleeping with my daughter, why not?"

"Oh."

Another pause. 

"What is it about him?" Gandalf mused.

"Rugged manly factor," I supplied.

"You mean his stubble is attractive?"

"In a way," I took a long drag on the pipe. "Women like wild men. A man that can hold his own, and take care of her, yet won't infringe on her independence. I think it's an instinct thing. We're attracted to the danger, because then we know that the man will fight for us and protect the off spring. Aragorn's smart, noble, strong, and coming into money. All highly attractive things to a woman. Though, I always preferred my men smoother. But the stubble suits Aragorn. He's a feral, sexy bitch."

They were staring at me again. 

I took a long drag on the pipe. "I like trees."

I handed the pipe to Gandalf, "yes, trees are nice."

"The tree likes you too," said Elrond.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"How is it?"

"She fares well, a little tender from where a woodpecker approached her."

"Ow."

"It does not hurt as you would think."

"Good, I'd think it would hurt like a bitch. Has she seen anything interesting lately?"

A pause. "Really?"

"What?"

"Oh, she said she saw a couple of little folk out here the other day."

"The hobbits? What were they up to?"

In the dark I could see Elrond's ears turn red followed by the rest of his face. 

"You don't say?" Gandalf puffed.

"Oh." I stated. Not needing the answer.

"I was not in need of that much detail in the description," Elrond mumbled. 

We went back to silently puffing again. Then Elrond began to giggle. Then so did we. Through gasps for air he whispered one word, "carrot."

I fell off the tree laughing. Along with Gandalf's pointy hat.

***End part three. I know it's a little shorter than the others, but my tired. Will I brake something in my fall? Will the One Ring seduce me? What about those naked dancing elves?! My muse shall see.


	4. stupid ring

"Nurgh," I groaned matter-of-factly as someone poked my shoulder repetitively. It was morning. I rolled over and swung my fist in the general direction of my poker. "Lemme alone, I don' wanna ge' up."

My fist hit elf in the general elbow region.

"Julie, it is dawn, you must awaken and prepare for your journey."

"Wha' journey?" I pulled the pillow over my head.

"The fellowship embarks to destroy the One Ring this day." Elrond's voice was patient.

"Oh. Gimmi another hour, 'k?"

"You must arise and prepare or they shall go without you."

"And that's a bad thing? Fine, I'll stay here an' sleep." I pulled the covers up over the pillow to block out the rising sun. "G'night." 

"Julie," that was the tone of a father who had raised three children. He yanked back the covers and attempted to confiscate my pillow. But I hung onto that thing in a death grip. 

"Julie, let go."

"No."

"Julie, you have to arise."

"I don't want to go."

"Julie, the fate of the free world depends on this."

"So? Go get Frodo up and dressed, I'm sleeping."

"Julie, GET UP AND PREPARE YOURSELF, OR YOU SHALL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY WRATH!" He boomed. 

"Eep?" I was awake, washed, dressed, with my backpack on my shoulder and my staff in my hand standing at the door before he'd exhaled. "I'm good. No need to waste your energy on wrath. What's for breakfast?"

Elrond lead me towards a dinning room where the other members of the fellowship and council were eating. We only had to stop three times for me to point or stare at something. Well, in the one case, some elf. 

By the time we arrived I'd gone back to being groggy and disoriented. I walked around for a moment then chose to plunk myself down next to Arwen. 

She looked mildly surprised to see me. "Good morning, Jules. It is a glorious dawn to behold."

"If you say so."

"You do not think it so?"

"I hate mornings. I usually avoid them with sleep."

"What an unusual tactic."

"Works for me."

A plate was put before me and I began munching on the assorted fruits and breads. I had a cup of juice and one of milk to go along with my meal. Though, what I truly craved was coffee. I didn't talk to Arwen and I started to notice she seemed a bit uncomfortable.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Excuse me?"

"You seem uneasy."

"I suppose it is that I find it unusual that you have chosen to sit by me this morning."

"Oh. Why?"

"I was under the impression your feelings for me were less than companionable."

"It's not that I don't like you as an elf. It's just your presence causes my muse a problem when trying to explain certainthings."

"Oh?" She asked politely confused.

"Never mind. I'm sitting beside you because I'm not a morning person. The hobbits are far too cheery and I'd probably have to hurt them. Gimli's talking away and I'm not in the mood. Boromir doesn't like me, and Legolas is afraid of me. Elrond and Gandalf are busy entertaining. Besides, I think we spent enough time together last night." I was covered in bruises from my fall from the tree. Nothing serious, since my fall had been broken by the branches on the way down. 

After the fall Gandalf had taken back his hat in claims that I was unworthy of its care. I looked in longing at it perched upon his head. I would take it back.

But not right now. "You see? You're the only one who wouldn't overly bug me."

"I see," Arwen murmured thoughtfully. 

I finished stuffing myself and leaned back against my chair. Man, I needed coffee. My brain was hazy. Of course, that could be due to my fall from the tree. Or down that ravine when I tripped on Gandalf's staff. Elrond hadn't been happy when I had grabbed his robes and taken them with me in my fall. 

At least he got a bath out of it. Since when he came down to retrieve his torn clothing, and myself, he slipped on the bank and into a river. It took Gandalf and I a while to fish him out with the staff. 

"What I wouldn't give for that sweet caffinated nectar of the gods."

"What nectar is this of which you speak?" Arwen asked politely as her eyes roamed the room. Looking for Aragorn no doubt. 

"Coffee. The only thing that makes mornings worth while."

"Coffee?"

"A drink."

"Oh?"

"Yes, and look, Aragorn's, naked."

Arwen snapped her head back to me, "where?"

"Just checking to see if you were paying attention."

"Oh," disappointment. 

"Have you shagged him yet?"

"What?!" Her voice lost that sweetness again and became terror on sound waves.

"Just wondering. Elrond seems to think you did - rather angry about it too. Says he wants to have humans castrated. Can't blame him, we're a pretty single-minded race. Unfortunately, that mind isn't above our shoulders. If it were we'd be much more sensible I'm sure."

Uncomfortable pause.

"So did you? How was he?"

"No we did not," she pouted. "Truth be told, I am becoming frustrated that I have not experience that single-mindedness." 

Suddenly my slash loving heart filled with the brilliant light of hope. Aragorn hadn't shagged her, he could be holding back for some elf else! Whoo hoo!

"Why is that you think?" I asked.

"Actually, I think he fears me."

"Well, you could kick his ass. That could be a little unsettling."

"True, but I've always tried to be dainty and lady-like around him."

"So's not to undermine his rugged manly factor?"

"Exactly. I can not see as to where he would feel uncomfortable with me."

"There are times when you do that freaky 3000-year-old-elf-who-could-rip-your-entrails-out-with-her-teeth-and-not-smudge-her-lip-liner thing."

"This is true."

"Maybe you should dye your hair blonde and practice your nancing?"

"My what?"

I opened my mouth to respond but Aragorn walked in then and approached us. I sighed and vacated my chair, as I was not in the mood for lovey dovey elf banter. "I'll see ya later."

I made my way over to the hobbits and noticed that Bilbo was with them. "Hey, how's it going?" I asked.

"G'morning, Jules!" Merry greeted me. Frodo and Sam both said hello and Pippin offered me a sausage. 

The environmentalist in me decided to speak to Bilbo in greeting. "You bastard, you made a species extinct! How could you?"

"He would have made us extinct if I had not, my dear girl!"

"Guess so, but you still put a hole in the ecological system."

"The what?" 

"The balance of nature, Pip." I may have said more, but at that moment Frodo chose to lean across the table and the One Ring dangled out of his shirt in front of Bilbo. 

The sweet old man's face was swallowed into the contortions of evil and greed with pointy green teeth. "My prrrrecccccccioussssssss," he hissed. 

Gandalf looked up from where he was seated and found that the top of his head was much cooler. This was do to the fact I was cowering behind him under his hat.

"Wha-?" he questioned.

"Scarry-crazed-old-hobbit-eep-make-it-go-away!" 

He and Elrond turned to the hobbits to see Frodo backing away from a shaken Bilbo. Sam had an arm placed protectively around Frodo's shoulders and was looking fiercely at the other.

"Don't scare, Mr. Frodo, like that, Mr. Bilbo, it isn't proper!"

Gandalf looked back at his hat. "Did, Frodo, flash, Bilbo, again-with the ring?"

The hat nodded vigorously as I agreed, "very scary face."

Gandalf sighed, "he should know better. Are you all right?"

The hat shook, "no, traumatized for life, very scared. I need a hug." The hat turned to Legolas who was seated by Elrond. I stretched out my arms from underneath pleadingly, "hold me?"

I couldn't see Legolas' face but the stiffness in his ankles told me he was frozen with fear and uncertainty. What can I say? He has very communicative feet. After a couple of minutes the feet moved and I felt a tentative pat on the hat. 

"I think I'm going to cry. He's freaking scary when he does that!" I whined.

The feet became knees, and awkwardly Legolas put his arms around me. "It is past, Bilbo, is well once more," he soothed.

I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed, forcing the air out of his lungs. "Thank you, I feel much better now." 

I released and left him gasping on the floor. 

"You are most welcome."

"You smell very nice. Sort of cedar like," I commented.

"Thank you?" he replied uncertainly. Aw, he's so cute when he's confused. 

I beamed down from under the hat and started to walk away from the pretty elf.

"Hey!" Gandalf called out, "my hat!"

I ran away.

*****

Elrond pulled me out from under a tapestry an hour later. It seemed that it was time that the fellowship departed for MoRRRRRdoRRRRR, and I had to leave Rivendell.

After getting Arwen, Gandalf and Legolas to help him pry me away from a pillar, a statue, through several doors and from a tree, I sat upon Bill the pony. Mainly, because Gimli had tied me there. Damn dwarves and their good knots.

We had to wait by the gate for a bit as Arwen and Aragorn said their farewells. Bilbo bid the hobbits a safe journey. While Elrond smiled sadistically at Aragorn and told him not to trip onto anything sharp. 

Then the fellowship was on its way. With Bill and I forced to come along. I figured he'd rather be at home, eating, and staring at a wall too. But I could be wrong. I don't speak pony.

After a while my ass was thoroughly sore and I agreed to not run away if they untied me and let me walk for a bit. I think Bill was greatly relieved as well when Aragorn pulled me off. 

We walked for what seemed like eternity. I sulked behind Gandalf as I watched his hat bob while he walked at the head of the group. Finally, we stopped to make camp. 

I collapsed in a heap of hobbits and stayed there. Well, we got up to eat supper. But after that, we were out cold for the night. Cuddly hobbits make wonderful insulation. They were also perfect cushions. 

Though, when I accidentally rolled onto Frodo in the night, Sam woke me up by biting me. I was very disoriented. But quickly realized the ringbearer might be having trouble breathing with my stomach on his head. So I rolled off him and Sam unclamped his jaw from my ankle. 

I had Aragorn put herbs and a bandage on it in the morning since it hurt so much. Those hobbits have very sharp teeth for something so small. 

Then, we were off to imminent doom once more. This time I walked with the hobbits since their short strides made it easier for my out-of-shape self to keep up with. 

Frodo seemed deeply contemplative today. His soulful eyes were etched with concern and his small shoulders were slumped. 

"Frodo, what's up?" I asked.

His beautiful eyes turned my way and I feared for a moment I might get sucked into them and drown in his pupils. "I am deeply concerned."

"Why?"

"I fear for the safety of this fellowship. You have all promised to protect me with your lives so that I may dispose of this great evil. I can not help but feel responsible for all of your well being. For if one of you is to perish, it will be for my sake. I wish I had not received this thing."

"Oh. That why," I mumbled. "Don't worry about it so much. Everyone here, except me, has come on their own accord. If they're dumb enough to get shot by Orcs, it's not your fault, Frodo. It's the ring's."

He reached into his shirt and pulled the chain with the ring out and over his head. He cradled it in his palm and then looked up at me. "Do you truly know what will come of this quest, Julie?"

"Yep."

"Is it worth this bane?"

"Yep. Sauron in charge of Middle-Earth would be rather unpleasant."

"I do not think I can make it through these hardships. I do not want the ring, could you take it?" he thrust his little hand with the ring in it towards me and opened it.

Oh shit. Why does he keep doing this?! 

"Ahhh! Don't flash that thing at me! I'm a shallow and gre- oooooooooooohhhhshhhhiiiiinnnnnny," I whispered in awe as the power of the ring enraptured my mind. I think every one of my senses was focused directly on the tiny gold band. I was hypnotized; my brain was being sucked into the metal. I could literally feel the great power and smell the reek of blood and doom radiating off the gold in a blaze. I could see a fire of power and hatred reflected in its depths as it consumed my heart. Me want.

Then I heard a deep voice whispering something in elvish. I frowned. "I can't speak crack-elf."

The voice seemed to become irritated and it grew louder.

"What are you saying? If you'd speak proper english and not mutter, then I might be able to understand, and do your evil biding! As of now you're just irritating me."

The voice took on an exasperated tone and continued to mumble. 

"I told you, I don't know what you're saying!"

Whisper, whisper, mumble, whisper.

"What?!"

WHISPER, MUMBLE, WHISPER!!!!!

"I don't understand you! Enunciate!"

The ring gave me a silence of frustration.

"Argh. You know you're not as good at seducing people as I thought you were. You almost had me with your pretty shiny looks, but you lost me when you opened your mouth."

The ring glared at me with defiance and seemed to glow a little.

"I think living with Gollum for so long has effected you. But it could just be that you have no actual mouth"

The ring turned its consciousness' back on me.

"I guess having a master that's been reduced to a giant burning eyeball could be a little irksome and damaging to one's self esteem. Especially since Sauron was apparently quite the looker before. Now he's just an eye. Tell me, how is he supposed to wield you? You're a ringhe's an eyewhere's the fingers?"

The ring seemed daunted by that. 

"I thought so," I tore my eyes off the ring and saw that the entire fellowship was staring at me. "What?"

"I believe this is the first that anyone has questioned, or held an argument, with the Ring of Power," Gandalf murmured.

"Crack-elf?" Legolas questioned softly.

Frodo was still trying to drown me with his eyes, "will you take it?"

"No!' I exclaimed with feeling. "If it can figure out how to speak with me, it will command me, and I will wrestle you for it. And Sam will kill me. As my will is as strong as my attention is long. And, Frodo, you've got to stop asking random people if they want the One Ring, 'k?"

Frodo nodded and slipped the ring back around his neck. Soon the fellowship was moving again. But not before I discretely parted Gandalf with his hat.

***There's part four. What terrors will befall the fellowship at my hands? Will the ring continue to sulk? Will Gandalf reclaim his hat? Will the warrior-male bonding begin? And there's still naked-dancing elves to be found. Isn't there?


	5. It was inevitable...the pointless, yet n...

We trudged, nanced, skipped, stalked and walked onwards. 

"something that is green."

"Grass?"

"Nope."

"Tree?"

"No."

"Gollum?" I asked.

The hobbits stared at me before looking suspiciously around the forest.

"No," whispered Pippin.

"Oh! I know! Legolas' tunic!" Exclaimed Merry. The elf turned his head at the sound of his name and glanced down at us from the tree he was currently leaping through.

"Yes!" 

"My turn!" Merry chirped.

"No it's not, you went before Pippin, it's Mr. Frodo's turn." Sam stated.

"Sam, 'tis fine, let Merry go."

"But it's your turn, Mr. Frodo."

"It is not, it's mine!"

A scuffle of hobbits began and I paused in my trudging to watch. The other members of the fellowship paused as well.

"My money's on, Pippin," said Gimli.

"Mine's on, Merry," Boromir countered.

"Carrrre to make a wagerrrr?"

"Sure,"

"Put me down for, Sam," I added.

"Pippin," Legolas chimed in.

"Sam," Aragorn inserted.

"Pippin," said Frodo. We looked at him in question, "well, he bites."

"Boromir."

We all turned to stare at Gandalf.

"Me?"

"Because you're going to make them stop and continue our journey."

"Oh."

I placed my hand comfortingly on his shoulder and patted, "better you than me. Good luck."

After about twenty minutes of cursing and screaming and well-placed teeth, the hobbits were separated and Boromir had received medical attention. Poor guy. Good thing he wore so many layers.

I realized that during this time my head had become more revealed. I turned to glare at Gandalf who was readjusting his hat. He looked back at me with feigned innocence and started walking again.

The rest of us fell into line after him. 

"I wonder when we'll stop for tea?"

"Probably won't, Pip."

"Tea would be nice." I said.

"With scones and butter."

"Cookies."

"Biscuits."

"Jam."

"Toast."

"A five decker club sandwich with fries and a piece of chocolate suicide cake for dessert."

"I don't know what that isbut it all sounds good," Pippin whispered in longing.

"Would you three speak of anything other than food for ten minutes?" Sam demanded from Frodo's side.

The silence continued for a good five minutes before Pippin spoke up again. "Oh! Merry, I got some of that oil you like from the elves and a new carrot."

I tripped on my staff and did a face plant into the ground. The hobbits all gathered around my sprawled, prone form in worry. 

"Jules, are you all right?" Frodo's soft voice inquired.

"'m okay," I reassured them.

"Will you be getting up then?"

"Yep. Just need a moment."

"Are you sure you're all right?"

"Yep. Peachy."

"Are you injured?"

"No. Just guilty of very bad thoughts is all. Embarrassed too."

"Bad thoughts?" Asked Merry.

"Oilpervy-hobbit fanciersI'm a horrid person. To take Pippin's innocent remark in the wrong way."

"Wrong way?"

I sat up and was a lovely shade of beet. "The dirty way."

"Oh, well we always wash the carrot before we insert it."

My face froze into an expression of combined horror and fascination. "What way did you intend that carrot?"

"A sexual one," Pippin beamed.

I continued to stare at the space before me in mute amazement. So it was true. I felt sodirty. And it wasn't just ground.

"Is everything well back there?" Aragorn's clear voice demanded from ahead.

"Oh, fine! I just got a new perspective on hobbit culture is all."

The hobbits helped me to my feet and we took up the pace again. 

"Isn't a carrot a bit large?"

"We do exercises."

"Oh."

"Do you think Boromir might be interested?" Merry asked hopefully.

"Probably."

"Really?"

"Yep. What kind of exercises, exactly?"

*****

The fellowship was taking a little break just before we left the woods. Gandalf and I seemed to be the only ones sitting as the others had all vanished. 

"So."

"So"

"Nice day?"

"Lovely."

"Bill seems well."

"He does."

"Can I hav-"

"No."

"Oh."

Profound thoughtful silence.

"Want to spy on the others?"

Gandalf grinned wickedly, "yes."

We rose to our feet and crept into the forest. "You're a tricky, dirty old man."

"Cunning, my dear, it's cunning."

As we lurked through the underbrush we heard a noise. Swiftly, I pressed my back against a tree and attempted to blend in, while Gandalf became inconspicuous in a bush.

We stayed frozen in place for a good few minutes before we heard the noise again. To my ears it sounded suspiciously like someone crying out 'oh, Mr. Frodo,' but I could have been wrong.

I made eye contact with Gandalf's eyebrows. He nodded. Together we dropped to the ground and crawled forward until we came upon the source of the noise.

WelI, it seems my ears were right.

"It seems hobbits are very flexible," my partner in grime whispered.

"Indeed," I replied. "Is that why they're kind of bow legged?"

"Maybe, all that force must take its toll."

"They do exercises."

"You don't say?"

Our eyes were glued to the two hobbits copulating wildly before us.

"Though, I always thought Frodo would be bottom"I mumbled.

"The power to resist the one ring must arise from a great power within."

"And that power would be the thrusting power of a Trojan stallion?"

"It would seem so."

"God, I'd hate to be on the receiving end of Sauron then."

"Seriously, especially with that metal fetish of his."

"Urgh," I agreed.

Then we heard footsteps approaching. We both flattened ourselves to the ground and I held my breath. The sound of heavy feet moving quickly grew in volume. My mind clenched in fear. What could it be? I glanced nervously at Gandalf. Should we warn the hobbits? They were a little pre-occupied to detect any danger right now. 

The feet drew closer to our position. I could hear branches snap and leaves rustle as the beast approached. I tightened my grip on my staff and noticed Gandalf's hand slip to the hilt of his sword. The creature must be massive judging by the sound it made as it crashed through the foliage. 

Then it burst through the bushes directly to the left of us and started towards the hobbits. My eyes at last beheld the creature in all it's loathing. It was a stout thing covered in a thick mat of flaming hair with corded muscles. It's only covering was a metal helmet.

Gandalf's hand clamped over my mouth was the only thing that ceased me from screaming in sheer terror at the sight of a naked dwarf. He dragged me away weeping and babbling until we were out of earshot of the hobbits.

"Wrong! That was so wrong!" I wailed burrowing my face in his robes. "Make it go away! I'm traumatized! Marked for life!"

He patted me reassuringly on the shoulder, "there, there now. I share in your terror. For that image has been engraved upon my eyes for all of eternity and shall haunt me in the nightmare realms."

We stood there clutching at each other for comfort and tried to think of effective and painless ways to wipe the image from our memories and gouge out our eyes. So far we hadn't come up with anything effective or that wasn't excessively painful or messy. 

After a while my arms were cramped and Gandalf needed to wring out his robes. So we pulled ourselves together and walked away from the direction Gimli had been. Distracted as we were I would have walked into the clearing if Gandalf hadn't grabbed my shoulder and yanked me behind the bushes.

I stared at him in dumb confusion a moment before following his gaze. There in the clearing were Merry, Pippin, Boromir and a pie.

"Oh dear," I whispered. "Wonder how long it takes to get him out of all that?"

"With two helpers, I wouldn't say very long."

"You know, Boromir's not so bad under all those layers"

"A little pale wouldn't you say?"

I glared at the wizard accusingly. "You aren't Mr. Suntan yourself."

"Hmph."

We watched silently a moment before a furrow of confusion crossed my brow. "UmGandy?"

"Yes?"

"What are they doing?"

"Well, when a man loves a womanor a manor an elf, hobbit or dwarf for that matter. Even an Orc, goblin, or wizard too, and sometimes it is not love, just plain old lust, but"

"Yes, yes, I know what they're DOOOOing, but what are they doing?"

"Quite franklyI have no idea."

"Is the pie supposed tooh, wow."

"Astounding."

"I had no idea that was possible, wouldn't it hurt?"

"I should think so."

We watched in fascination for a time as the hobbits continued their aerobic pie erotica with Boromir. Eventually it reached a point where the laws of physics were being ignored and I had to withdraw in envy.

Gandalf and I quietly scurried back and continued on our walk. 

"Well, that is not something one sees every century," he murmured.

"I'm in awe."

"As am I, that sort of thing takes skill. I begin to wonder if I have underestimated that fool of a Took."

I was still floored. I mean how did they? To get it at that angle, I meanand the force requiredand how did they move so fast? Or twist around like that? It was impossible!

"Do not try to analyze it, dear girl. Some things just are as they are."

"Bu-"

"I know."

"Wh-"

"It just is."

"It ca-"

"I will be baffled by that one for at least a decade."

His arm abruptly darted out and my face walked into it. "Wait."

"Ow." I stated.

He put his finger to his lips and then gestured forwards and upwards. I followed his finger and peered up into the canopy above us. Nothing. I looked back at Gandalf questioningly. Eh?

He motioned for me to follow silently. I shrugged and did. We passed a couple of trees before he positioned himself under a branch and pointed up. I followed suit and gazed into the intertwining limbs of the giant tree. 

The sun's soft rays were dancing off the bright green leaves and casting shadows within the grooves of the bark. The fresh smell of the forest filled my nostrils and the essence of timeless growth filled my soul. The bright trilled orchestra of birds and the heated moans of men caressed my ears. 

I blinked in astonishment and refocused my gaze up the tree.

"Oh," I whispered in wonder as I noticed a pair of legs dangling from a branch. The other pair were wrapped around said branch and others legs. "That's got to be uncomfortable."

Gandalf gestured to his ear frantically and I shut my mouth. Elven hearing is sharpeven when it's filled with Aragorn's moans and screams. 

Man, Arwen's going to kick some serious ass when this quest was done!

"Oh! Legolas! Yes!"

"Aragorn!"

I glanced at Gandalf, he shrugged. I could feel the tree shake a little in rhythm to the grunts above and I found it hard not to giggle. But I realized silence was but a small price to pay to avoid a furious elf and ranger.

I just wished I could see what was going on, and not just feel it second hand through a tree and hear it. I suddenly wondered what the tree was thinking. Gandalf tapped my shoulder and gestured that we should be away. I pouted and followed him back towards where the pony was parked. 

"Wouldn't it be weird for an elf to have sex in a tree? What with them being able to talk to them and all."

A smile lit up the wizard's face and he paused by a tree and placed his hand upon it. "She says that Legolas is topping Aragorn, and that they're close right now to climax."

"Really? How does she know?"

"A tree's roots are a wonderful gossip line. These ones run deep."

He was silent a moment then exclaimed, "Oh!"

"What?"

"Aragorn just came, she said she felt him spill on her."

"Ew."

"No, it's great nutrient for the soil."

"Oh." 

"And the pretty elf just came too. Now they're cuddling apparently," Gandalf with drew his hand.

"Aw," I cooed.

We walked back to find Bill munching happily on the grass. Oh, the hardships of pony life. We plunked ourselves down and grinned from ear to ear as each member of the fellowship returned. Soon we were back on our way to Doom. But not before I snatched Gandalf's hat. 

***There, that's part five. I'm amazed this Java-Sue has stayed alive so long! Will I keep the hat? Will I survive the mines of Moria? And I believe that I'm owed some dancing elves.


	6. Up the mountain, down the mountain...und...

I yanked and tugged at Bill's harness in attempts to make the pony budge. "Are you sure you aren't part mule?"

Bill snorted and twitched his ear with an offended air.

I stood and glared at the stubborn creature. He glared back just as determined.

The rest of the company sat lounging on a big rock, frolicking and debating which route to take to MoRRRRRRRdoRRRRRRR. While Gandalf had sent me to fetch Bill. The pony had wandered off when Sam dropped his tether in a skirmish with Pippin. So far I had chased after him, and he had dragged me around a bit. Right now we were standing in ankle high muck in a stalemate. I was not letting go, and he was coming with me. 

Bill, on the other hand, had decided that he wasn't moving and that I was letting go.

So much for compromise.

"Look, if you come with me, I'll give you one of Pip's carrots."

He snorted in insult.

"Yeah, I wouldn't take produce from either of those hobbits after what I've seen either. But it was worth a shot. How about getting, Sam, to give you a rub down?"

Bill seemed to mull that one over a minute before snorting his refusal.

I decided to take desperate measures. "What if I get, Sam, and, Legolas, to give you a rub down? Though, I think that's highly unfair since, Legolas, won't give me one."

Bill seemed to be interested. But still refused to budge.

"What more could you want?" I demanded irritably.

He eyed the pointy hat.

I gasped and clutched it to my head, "no! Get your own. Look, I was nice and made you some fair offers, but you're just being greedy now. Tough. Rot out here and break Sam's heart. I'm going back. And why the hell am I having a conversation with a pony in the middle of nowhere?"

I turned and began trudging towards the rest of the company. Soon I heard the defeated clomp of hooves follow. Serves him right.

Just then the cast of Alfred Hitchcock's Birds made an appearance overhead. Bill and I attempted to camouflage into the open field, but it didn't seem to work, as the black cloud swiveled above and retreated. 

I'd wondered how they had spotted the fellowship before. "Damn it, Bill, this is all your fault."

He hung his head in shame. I felt bad. "Okay, it's our fault." I continued to grumble about stubborn ponies and my insanity until I was within elf shot of the big rock. 

"Jules! Make ready, we head for Caradhras!" Gandalf bellowed.

"Great."

We set out to freeze our asses off in a snow bank.

*****

So this is what it feels like to have a snow bank fall on your head. My attempts at keeping the rest of the company at a comfortable distance from myself failed. Mostly because it was bloody cold. Since Gandalf had taken his hat back, claiming he needed it to warm his ears, mine were unpleasantly numb. If the hobbits were getting to cuddle to share body warmth, so was I, damn it.

Legolas didn't seem to share my enthusiasm though. So Gimli and I huddled with Bill while the pretty elf put as much distance between him and I as he could. After a while I realized that his nifty ability to walk on snow was rather irritating. Gimli agreed. We took solace out of hitting him repeatedly with snowballs and a few lembas wafers for good measure. Those things have great velocity while frozen solid.

When Gandalf started to chant to the clouds with his arms raised I tried my best to flee. But, it's very hard to run away screaming when you're waist high in snow, with a pony in your way and a dwarf around your legs.

So now I stood buried under the snow. It was dark, suffocating and most importantly cold. Now, I was going to be wet and cold. My current view on the world was that there's nothing worse than having cold wet snow in your underwear. Well, okay, having Gollum in your underwear could be marginally worse. But just marginally.

Eventually, Legolas dug Bill and I out. Gimli managed on his own somehow. I guess being a dwarf he had some sort of instinct for direction. I on the other hand am lost as soon as I fall out of bed in the morning. 

I glared with feeling at the mountain as the fellowship began arguing over which root to take.

"Let the ringbearer decide!" Gandalf declared.

"Yeah, you don't want the responsibility of getting our asses fried, so you dump it on the innocent hobbit," I muttered to myself.

Legolas turned his head sharply and stared at me. I looked innocently back at him while Frodo answered. I decided now was the appropriate time to make an exit.

"All right, we get down from the mountain and then I leave, okay? I've obviously proven my uselessness to you all. So, I think I should head back to Rivendell"

The members of the fellowship all stared at me blankly.

"JULIE!" Gandalf boomed. The rest cowered in the snow. "YOU SHALL CEASE YOUR CHILDISH COMPLAINTS AND CONTINUE FORWARD!"

Normally I'd be huddled in a nice puddle of babbling fear. But quite frankly the thought of that cave troll was enough to make me a bit bolder. "Umno, I really don't think so, and we're going backward."

"JULIE!" The fury of impatience sizzled off the man making the snow around him steam. I could feel his power as the hairs on my arms rose. The other members of the fellowship seemed to have mysteriously vanished.

The present fear of Gandalf was still being overridden by my vivid imagination and the threat of the future fear in the Mines of Moria. What would a bunch of Orcs do to a girl like me? I mean, I'm not as pretty as Legolas. But, after looking at something as ugly as they were, what would they think of me? Hell, were there female Orcs? Urgh. 

"No way."

"You will journey with us."

"No, I won't."

"There is not time for us to return you to Rivendell. With your knowledge, I can not leave you to roam the country alone, not with Saruman's spies out there."

"I'll find my own way. There's absolutely no way you're getting me into that mine!"

*****

I glared spitefully at Aragorn's boot. Damn elves, men, hobbits, dwarves and their tackling and hog-tying techniques. Though I wouldn't be here, tied and gagged on the ground, if Sam hadn't dived and tripped me. I'd managed to run and dodge the others until then. It wasn't until I was planted face first into a snow bank that Legolas managed to get my arms behind my back. Then Boromir, Merry and Pippin got my legs while Gimli and Aragorn tied me up.

Now I was lying on my stomach listening to Gandalf curse the doorway and watch the stupid hobbit skipping stones over the scary spider. Lucky Bill was allowed to go home. He stuck his tongue out at me when he left too, lucky bastard. 

"Fphnd!" I started to wiggle and yell frantically as I noticed the water ripple. "Pha, ahm phaphrd ih Fphnd!"

Gandalf sat down in a huff as the others sat around leisurely. 

I was screaming and gyrating on the ground, "FPHND! FPHND! FPHEND! FPHND! FPHND! PHA PHUK AKE IH FPHND!" My god, I was going to have an aneurysm here.

The rest of the fellowship had turned to watch me with fascination as I bounced and screamed. 

"Why is she so distraught?" Legolas whispered in concern to Aragorn.

He shook his head, "Gandalf, perhaps we should unbind her? I fear she may induce injury upon herself."

"FPHND!" I replied. My eyes wide as I looked at the door, to the lake, to them and back.

"Perhaps we should remove the gag?" Boromir questioned.

Legolas looked distressed. "I will not place my hand near her mouth again."

"Good point," the others agreed. 

I just continued with the jerking about and screaming in desperation. It made me feel much better.

"Wait!" Frodo called out. The others turned their full attention to the little hobbit. 

"Phout phukn phah," I grumbled as the door swung open.

"Friendwas that what you were saying?" Aragorn asked as he tossed me over his shoulder and entered the mine.

"Pheph." I could see the water rippling as we walked away. Couldn't he move any faster? I was not going to be nasty beasty chow! There was only room for one jailbait in this fellowship. And that was Frodo.

We finally got into the Mine and Aragorn set me on the steps as their eyes adjusted to the light. Gimli was trying to impress Legolas with tales of grandeur. The only light was that from the moon outside, it gave the cavern an eerie blue glow. I sneezed a couple times from the dust that was being disturbed by our presence. There was also a distinct odor. It spoke of mold, ancient memories, and above all emptiness. It suddenly became apparent to the rest of the fellowship that there would be no welcoming committee. As they were busy decomposing on the stairs. 

"This is not a mine, it's a tomb!"

Gimli started to wail and I was doing my best to get Gandalf's attention. All I really managed was to fall on my side and roll off the stairs.

"Get out! Now!"

They all started to run out, Gandalf and Gimli turned to grab me, but I was shaking my head wildly. "Pho!" 

"Release her," Gandalf commanded as he ripped off my gag. Gimli severed the ties that held me. Then they turned to flee.

I sat stubbornly back on the steps.

Gandalf whirled around and stared at me, "what are you doing, you fool? We must leave at once!"

"There's no way you're getting me out of this mine through that entrance!" I shrieked back.

"What do you mean?! We couldn't get you in. and now you don't want to leave? Whatoh." A look of blatant realization appeared on Gandalf's features.

The fellowship turned to stare at me in confusion.

I'd lost my ability to make coherent sentences as I watched a huge tentacle raise from the water behind them. "Nahbladathbahbig! Many testicles-er-tepti-er-termpl-er-BIG TEETH!" I screamed waving my arms frantically. 

Another tentacle freed itself from their watery bed and hovered in the air, searching. "Eep!" I pointed wildly.

Aragorn exchanged looks with Legolas and Boromir. "Do you think the stress has affected her judgement?"

"It could well be so," Legolas answered.

"Though, she was always a bit queer to begin with," Boromir stated.

"Ahhhh!" I screamed.

"Frodo!" 

The tentacle found the jailbait. While the rest of the fellowship rescued the ringbearer from death by plaque build up, I walked up and sat at the top of the stairs. They ran in, the door fell down, and there were some nice touchy feely moments of making sure everyone was all right. Gandalf turned on the nightglow option of his staff and they took attendance. 

"Where is, Jules?" Pip asked in alarm.

"Julie?" Gandalf called out in worry.

"Up here," I waved at them from my perch. I felt all gushy when I saw the look of genuine relief on their faces to see me alive. "I think we should be off. I really don't want to stay down here long." My mind took me back a few minutes to something Boromir had said. As the rest of the fellowship climbed the stairs I took up the pace at his side. "You're calling me queer? Honey, I think we need to straighten something out-no pun intended."

***That's all for now. The main question of the hour is, are there female orcs? And can I get the hat before the Balrog does?


	7. The mYines of MoRRRRia

"Let us hope our presence may go unnoticed." As Gandalf gave his little motivational speech, I gave the darkness my best yeah-right-you know-that's-going-to-happen-look, mingled with a little bitter hatred. When I turned back I noticed that Gandalf had seen my expression and was in turn wearing one of mild hysteria.

"I have a question. Since it no longer will interfere with plot development, I see no reason why I can't ask. Why didn't we all ride horses out of Rivendell? It would have been so much faster."

"Not necessarrrily." Rolled Gimli from the front. "Dwarrrves and horrrses do not mix extrrrrorrrrdinarrrilly well."

"We could have buddied upyou could have ridden behind Legolas or something."

I was put in the crossfire of three horrified glances. One of insult from Gimli, one of fear from Legolas, and one of jealousy from Strider. "Uhnever mind?"

"A dwarrrrf, rrrride with an elf! Prrrroposterrrrouse!"

"I would have said that about an elf in a mine not too long ago," purred Legolas.

Gimli looked thoughtful, "'tis trrrrue at that, masterrrr elf, a grrrreat step has been taken that you would lowerrrrr yourrrself frrrrom yourrrr trrrrees and enterrr the mYines of MoRRRRia."

I giggled. Both the dwarf and elf gave me odd expressions. "Sorry, I know you're overcoming years of hatred and all, but I can't help it. Going a little claustrophobic I think."

As we trudged on I couldn't help but whisper, "mYines of Morrria," and giggle. 

We walked through the hollow darkness of the mine until we reach the steep slope of stairs leading to the next passageway in the rocks. "Why on earth did they have to carve these steps so steep? It's more of a ramp than staieeeeeahhhh!" I screamed and felt my heart lurch into my stomach as I tripped and nearly fell. 

Thank god Legolas was there. He was damned good at catching people. "Thank you," I whispered.

"It was nothing,"

"But thank you anyway, I believe I am discovering a whole new fear of heights."

"We shall see that you do not fall." He squeezed my hand and flashed a reassuring smile.

"Oh, it's not the falling I'm afraid ofit's the abrupt stop at the end. Very messy."

Legolas smiled softly. His alabaster skin reflecting the soft light of Gandalf's staff as his hair shimmered silver. The sparkle in his eye enhanced his mirth. And I had to admit; I did feel much better - even though I knew doom was at hand with lots of arrows and a pet troll.

"Thank you, Legolas."

"What for?"

"For being so damned pretty. Having you to look at helps me forget the insanity and impending doom."

"You are welcome?"

We continued up the stairs until we reached the top. Gandalf paused and looked baffled. "I do not remember this place" 

"That happens as we get older, and smoke weed."

They company stared at me.

"Well, it's true."

"Do you know which way we must descend?"

I sighed in resignation. I really couldn't remember. "Honestly, I don't know. If I did I'd tell youbut for the life of me I can't think of it."

"That is what occurs when we become cocky, and smoke weed."

I stuck out my tongue at the gray pilgrim. He returned the gesture with as much grace. So I thumbed my nose at him. And he was about to make another face, but Legolas called us to order.

"Children, which way are we to travel? I do not like to linger long here."

"I am not a-" Gandalf began. Legolas raised an eyebrow. "Hmph." He turned and sulked on a rock. So the rest of us flopped down and waited.

After about an hour Aragorn, Boromir and Legolas had pulled out their pipes and were relaxing. While Gimli, the Hobbits and I were engaged in a rousing game of truth or dare. Frodo had just taken the dare option and was looking deeply concerned.

"But, I'm not sure it would be a wise course of action to poke Sauron in the eye the next time I see himor his eye that issince I have never truly beheld his true visage."

"You chose dare. You're committed now."

He sighed deeply and nodded, "all right, I shall do as you ask."

"It's my turn now!" Chirped Pippin.

"No it's not, it's Mr. Frodo's!" Sam countered.

"Actually, Sam, I think it's Merr-" they began to shove each other. "Oh never mind."

Frodo, Gimli and I watched the furry ball of legs and fists with casual interest.

"Do I rrrreally have to wearrrr that pink skirrrrt?"

"Yes, Gimli."

"This will tarnish my rrrreputation, lass!"

"You took the dare...I must say, I'm not happy with having to kiss Gollum on the cheek, if we ever meet." I shuddered. Urgh.

Suddenly Frodo looked like a spooked deer and took off towards Gandalf. 

"Merry? I'm hungry." Stated Pippin.

"Damn it," I cursed I looked down the stairs in search of the little slime demon.

"What is it?" Demanded Sam as the hobbit heap unrolled.

"Gollum. He's been following us for three days."

I was rewarded with a look of profound sympathy from all present. Squaring my shoulders I took a deep breath and began to descend the stairs. Suddenly Boromir was there with a hand staying my shoulder.

"Don't do it, you are too young to suffer such a fate."

"I'm a girl of my word, Boromir."

"But this is not worth itsurely there is another way? Can they not retract the dare, or perhaps substitute another?"

"That's not the way the rules work. My honor is at stake, my friend. If I don't returnwell, there's not really anything you can do."

The look in his eyes was that of respect. "You are a braver soul than I, child. I wish you haste and luck." He gave my shoulder a squeeze and the hobbits and Gimli looked forlorn as I began my descent.

As I cautiously made my way down the steps I could hear the conversation above me. Legolas and Aragorn had come to join the others.

I made out Aragorn's clear, resonate voice. "Where is she going?"

"She must taste the vile cheek of rot," Boromir whispered sadly.

"We dared her to kiss, Gollum, and she's going to do it!" Pip exclaimed.

"WHAT?!" screeched Legolas in pure horror. "Aragorn! You must stop her! Who knows what that pitiful creature carries?"

I could see said pitiful creature now cowering in the shadows. Well, I could see the large eyes and hear him breathing and mumbling.

"Uhhello? Are you going to bite off a part of me if I come any closer?"

"My precccccciousssssssss." He hissed.

"I know, I knowyou want the ring from the evil hobbit. But, do you think of anything else?"

"It came to meI wantsss my precccccciousssssss, sklurb, bluubble, hiss."

"That's nice. Could you come over here a minute?"

He squealed and scrambled back into the shadow. 

"No wonder you're alone" I waved my hand before my face as the stench of decaying fish reached me. "Ew."

"I wantsss my precccciousssss, mean, nasty hobbitsssss. Sssstole my-"

"Yes, I know. Now come here."

"I wantsss-"

"I don't care. I have a dare to keep. Now, COME HERE!"

He swayed a bit and tried again, "My-"

"GET DOWN FROM THERE YOU INBREED SWAMP SPONGE SO I CAN BLOODY WELL KISS YOU!"

He screamed and ran. Naturally, I picked up my staff and ran screaming after him.

"Gandalf! Jules, is scaring Gollum!"

"What on Arda? JULIE, RETURN HERE AT ONCE AND LEAVE THE POOR CREATURE BE!" Gandalf boomed making Gollum and I freeze in mid stride.

"ButI have a dare,"

"There's no need to terrorize the wildlife to see it through."

"Bu-"

"No."

I feigned to turn, but abruptly dived forward, held my breath and planted my lips on the gooey creature's cheek. Then withdrew. Both of us ran screaming and retching in the opposite direction. While Gandalf just shook his head.

"Wow, she actually did it!" Boromir grinned.

Legolas shuddered convulsively and hid behind Aragorn. While the rest stared in admiration and disgust. 

"The poor thing," whispered Merry.

"Which one, Gollum, or, Jules? Ow!"

"Fool of a Took."

"Well, you need to be specific!"

"I think she may be in shock" mumbled Aragorn.

"Then I think you should go down and fetch her." Gandalf stated.

"Nyeh"I stuttered.

"Ah! It's this way."

"He's remembered!"

"No, but the air smells less foul down here. When in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose."

"Nurgheep."

*****

"Wow."

That was the extent of my vocabulary as I gazed up in open wonder at the bridge. The pillars rose above us to disappear into the inky darkness above. I felt a little insignificant compared to their massive strength and beauty. As I started in open wonder Gimli began running.

Shit.

"And this is were I get my ass shot full of arrows. Let the panic and screaming begin." I mumbled as we followed the fool of a dwarf.

We entered the tomb and I started to look for a place to hide as Gimli began to wail. Oh! That corner looked nice and cozy. I quickly made myself at home behind a pillar in the corner.

"We must move on. We can not stay here."

"Listen to the elf! Pippin, I hate you!"

I heard the crash.

"Fool of a Took!"

"Bugger. Too late then."

The drums began and Boromir ran to the door. I winced when I heard the arrows slam into the wood and splinter it. "Missed you that time" Good thing no one was actually listening to me.

The door was closed and barred.

"They have a cave troll." The sarcasm was beautiful.

"Ha!" I cried out. 

Then the screaming began. Okay, it was mainly me huddled in terror until the big ugly ass troll lumbered in and I think I wet myself. 

Thankfully, the other members of the fellowship were keeping the nasty critters occupied by slaughtering them, so I went unnoticed. I heard the screams as Frodo got the wind knocked out of him. And then the next thing I knew Gandalf was yelling for me and we were running.

If it were at all possible I would have become Aragorn's next layer of skin. As it was I was pretty damned close to it. I ran until my sides burnedand I could see all those scary orc-types surrounding us. Suddenly we stopped, my heart was beating in my mouth and I'd never been so frightened in all my life. They were twisted beyond anything my nightmares could dredge up. And I can tell you, my nightmares are damned good at dredging. They reeked or decay and stagnant flesh.

I would be on the floor crying my eyes out if not for my instinct to live.

We were standing in a circle, I found myself at Gandalf's side. One hand on my staff, the other on his arm absorbing his support. 

"Sohow long does that thing stay charged for?" I whispered.

Then it happened. The orc's suddenly looked around in confusion. I could feel the vibrations of energy flowing through the stone itself and into my bones. My skin broke into goose bumps and my poor heart was fluttering in black terror.

The Orc's took flight. The fellowship looked confused and pleased. I hugged Gandalf's arm in fright.

He closed his eyes, searching. I watched the fear, sorrow and determination come to his face as he found it. I gently squeezed his arm as our eyes met and an understanding passed.

"Big nasty, demon of terror, Melkor's pet?" I whispered.

"A Balrog." He addressed the other members of the fellowship. And we ran like hell. On the up side I was getting into shape with all this fleeing in blind terror and such.

We tore through the archway and paused long enough for Strider to rip Boromir off of Legolas. Gandalf said something about the bridge of Khazad-Dum being near. I strained my eyes out over the huge gaping chasm to make out the bridge.

"Umthat's near?" I demanded as I was swept along for more running. "Urghcramp." I hissed as a stitch appeared inconveniently in my side. 

"We must keep going!" Boromir yelled. 

"No motivation neededI have no desire to be in a BBQ served with HP sauce, on an orc arrow."

"Good motivation!" Cried Merry.

"What is it with dwarves and stairs!? Where are the railings?! And you know what I'd really like to know? Why the hell didn't, Elrond, just pick up and toss, Isildur, into the damned fiery crack of doom? I mean, it would have stopped evil from threatening middle-earth and his daughter wouldn't be giving up her mortality for a ranger with a pointy ear fetish! No offense, Aragorn."

"I have not the time to take it now!"

My panting was beginning to interfere with my speech so I gave up and simply focused on running. Until the gapping hole in the stairs appeared. And I realized I was afraid of heights. A lot.

Legolas leapt over the chasm with the grace of silk in a summer's breeze. Damn pretty elf. Why does he do everything so well? Just once I'd like to knock him on his ass. Gandalf took the jump, and Aragorn threw me over next, after some kicking and screaming and prayer. Legolas managed to catch me just before I plummeted to my death. Thank god for elves!

I ran to the far side and waited for Aragorn and Frodo to make their jump. Even though I knew they'd make itI found myself chewing on my heart. The fact that the damned nasty critters were shooting at us and I could hear the soft buzz of arrows in passing, wasn't helping me any either. 

I closed my eyes as the slab of stairs started to sway. But, to my relief I heard the cheers of the fellowship and then the running began once more. 

I nearly slid as I took a corner hard but managed to right myself and charge onto the bridge. Finally, we all arrived safely on the other side. Except for Gandalf.

I held my breath and gnawed on my lip as the Balrog made its appearance. I felt the heat of it singe my hair, as tendrils of flame soared and danced away from the black void of it's form. I noticed my knees were literally clattering together. And that damned cramp was getting worse. 

Gandalf stood tall illuminated by a white light against the dark of the Balrog. The Fool of a wizard. 

"Thou shall not pass!"

Why is it that big demons of the deep always think they can do what ever they want?

I watched as it crashed like a brick through a window and sank into the darkness below. Gandalf turned, and I started forward. "Gandy, look out for the-!" 

Too late. He lost his balance and fell. Frodo ran forward but was restrained by one of the pervy-hobbit fanciers. Aragorn looked lost. I on the other hand was no about to loose my hat. So I dived forward and grabbed onto the damned wizard - much to his surprise as he was letting go of the ledge at the time. 

"I hate physics," I grumbled as Gandalf's weight pulled me down with him. "Why does gravity have to be such a bitch? And I hope you're both satisfied." I made sure to give adequately withering glares to both Gandalf and the Balrog in our descent. 

***And so ends another part of the Java-Sue. I'd just like to say, I did take quotes directly from the movie, so now they aren't mine. And to Dark Eyesworry not. For I haven't forgotten the naked dancing elves.


	8. Until the Sequel

Galadriel stood looking out over Lothlorien but her gaze was in fact turned inward. So much strife that only she could see followed the Fellowship. Theirs was a heavy burden to bear. The ache in her heart that the small hobbit would suffer so was more poignant mixed with the grief of Mithrandir's loss. Withdrawing from the visions that swirled in her mind the Lady of the Wood became aware of a presence at her back. Turning, her eyes widened in wonder at the sight before her.

There was her loyal guard, Haldir, looking extremely agitated. At his side stood a short human female carrying a charred staff. And she was wearing Gandalf's hat.

"Wow, you're really shiny," I said. "You wouldn't happen to have any predictions on the lottery for when I get out of here, now would you? Exactly how much bleach do you pour into the environment each year? Or do all elves poses a natural dirt-repellant?"

"A scouting group found her wandering the woods. They thought it pertinent to bring her before you, as she claims to bear news of Mithrandir." Haldir announced.

"How could one bear news of those gone past hearing's range?"

"Well, I don't bear news so to speak."

"Then why have you deceived us?"

"Deceived you?"

"You claimed to have news to gain entrance to my council, and yet now you claim otherwise. Where did you get that hat child?"

"Well, it was Gandalf's, but he told me he wouldn't need it anymore since it doesn't match his new ensemble."

Galadriel gave me a truly baffled look. "Excuse me?"

"The bluish gray, tattered look didn't match his newly starched white robes."

"Hiswhite robes?"

"He's gone from gray to whitepromotion and all."

"Promotion? But Mithrandir has fallen into shadow, he is no longer amongst us."

I held my hand up over my eyes and tried to look her in the face. But she was too damned bright. "Um, could you tone down a little? And I thought you had the long sight, how could you not know that Gandalf was still alive? You went and upset all the elves here, and I mean, isn't that a little mean as elves can die from grief and all?"

"Gandalf yet remains?"

"That's what I've been saying"

"Buthe fell into shadow"

"Well I wouldn't call it shadow. Pitch bloody black was a more accurate description. Then we ended up floating in a void for a while, which relieved me quite a bit, because after falling several hundred feet you really get to thinking about landing. But the poor Balrog was sick to his stomach from the weightlessnessthe whole ordeal was rather unpleasant. We finally came out of the void in a nice cozy cavern filled with Orcs. While Gandalf and the Balrog had a stand off I was giving a lecture on proper dental hygiene to some of the girls." At least I think they were girls. Damned if I could tell. But these ones seemed to have more feminine looking lumps than some of the others.

"Mithrandir fought the demon of terror in shadow? Was he successful or does the lament stand?"

"I left before they finished. Although Gandy lost the arm wrestling competition, and the quilting competition, he won the cook-off due to the fact the Balrog kept singeing everything. He also won in Twister, and caps. They were tied for best macaroni representation of Middle-Earth when I left. Though, I still say that Gandalf's penne tower of Isengard was much better than the Balrog's Alfredo Caradhras."

Galadriel was looking decisively confused. Haldir just shrugged when she looked to him.

I sighed. I was rather tired from roaming around the countryside. "The mighty Mithrandir fought a great battle amongst the shadow. Now he shall return to you stronger than ever in the sequel. Better?"

Galadriel seemed to be satisfied with that answer. "Then let our lament turn to praise!"

"Umbefore you do, could I see the rest of the fellowship?" As I was completely lost and didn't seem to be doing anything else. I figured the safest place to be would be behind Aragorn and Legolas.

"They have passed from these shores with this day's first light."

"Crap, I missed them."

"You are welcome to spend the afternoon and evening resting here. I see that you are weary from your journey to bring us such joyous tidings. We shall send you on your way at first light of day."

"I think I'll take you up on thatso what is it exactly that elves do for fun in these parts?"

Galadriel tilted her head and looked to me. Abruptly her face took an expression of combined perplexment, curiosity and terror. _Your mind is so twisted and confused and I can not perceive of your fate._

"Yeah, I am a little odd. You get used to it."

__

Where have you come from? This world has no history of you

"I blacked out."

__

?

"You're not real. This is all in my imaginationI think." I was starting to wonder on that point. "Could you stop snooping around in my head for a bit? It's kinda creepy."

__

I am baffled by you

"That's normal. Do you have anything to eat? I was a little wary of what the Orcs were eating so I avoided their culinary delights. The Balrog was kind enough to boil some water for me and I cooked the macaroni representation of Breebut it wasn't all that filling."

Galadriel was staring at me blankly. "I'm getting nothing from your mind"

"Hey, no need to be insulting." I scowled at the light.

Galadriel was just staring straight ahead. Her eyes had taken on a glazed expression and her body froze. I waited a few minutes before waving my hand in front of her face. 

"Hello?" I got no response. I looked questioningly at Haldir.

Haldir shrugged helplessly. "She does that from time to time."

"It's freaky."

"You get used to it," a voice announced. I turned around to see another elf walk onto the balcony.

Haldir inclined his head, "Celeborn."

"Does she just phase outat anytime?"

"Yes."

"Doesn't it get irritating?"

He seemed thoughtful for a moment. "Wellfor the most part no. But it does infringe on some of our more intimate moments."

"Oh."

Everyone looked decidedly uncomfortable at that moment.

"Food?" I asked.

"Yes, food!" They seemed to agree and we left the balcony and Galadriel staring into space.

"Let us descend to the lower levels-"

"Argh. Must we? I had to climb my lazy ass all the way up those stairs. Well, Okay, Haldir carried me most of the way. You'd think that after several thousand years, at least one elf would have thought up an elevator. No wonder you're all so thin."

Celeborn and Haldir exchanged looks. 

"If you have an elevator and you're holding out on me"

"No, we have not heard of such a thing."

"But, if you wish to take an easier route to the lower levels"

"There's an easier route than thousands of stairs? Hell yes!"

***** 

"!" Words could not adequately describe the level of wonder and lust I was experiencing for what I was seeing. "Oh thank you God for this!" What lay before me could be loosely described in seven words: Dancing, naked elves on a waterslide.

"Lothlorien has the largest colony of naturalist elves in Middle-Earth." Stated Haldir with pride. "We believe that to truly appreciate and become close to the earth one must be in their natural state."

I self-consciously wiped my chin in case I had drooled on myself. "lots of shiny skinnyuh." If I died now, I would be content.

Before me frolicked hundreds of fair elves. They sang in the branches their honey voices dancing with the leaves. Their pale skin reflecting and enhancing the surreal glow of the golden wood. Their hair shimmering and their faces rapt with wonder and joy in the world that cradled them. Many of the elves were dancing upon the boughs as their companions sang. There seemed to be an abundance of flowers going around and my nose was filled with delight of their potent sent. Then again, it could be allergies. 

In their midst a waterslide snaked about the truck of a massive tree and disappeared to the river below. 

"Normally we don't bring visitor's here as it is a private thing, but since you were so eager for an easier way down. This is the quickest and least tiring method to reach the lower levels." Celeborn informed me.

I simply stared for a while as my overwhelmed mind attempted to put this in perspective. "So, Lothlorien is a nudist colony with the world's biggest waterslide..." For some reason the giddy smile on my face wouldn't go away. I'd be disturbed except I was too busy ogling. 

Celeborn and Haldir lead me blushing and giddy through the smiling elves to the waterslide. My eyes tried to be everywhere at once and I think I may actually have blacked out a moment in orgasmic joy. Because the next thing I knew my ass was wet and I was moving very fast in a downward spiral. I screamed and went flat on my back and pointed my toes. I was sped around in what seemed like one massive high speed, lubricated circle. 

I had gathered a fair velocity tearing down the waterslide in my bullet position. So that when I reached the bottom I just shot out and skidded a good ways across the river top before coming to an abrupt halt. Hovered for a bit. Then my muddled shocked brain found itself underwater. And it was not impressed. 

I spluttered and doggie paddled myself back to the shore to find Celeborn and Haldir standing there perfectly dry. Haldir was holding my staff and hat. I sputtered and dragged myself to my feet as they and many other faces from above watched in combined mirth and puzzlement. 

"I've never seen anyone descend with suchcharacter," mused Celeborn.

"How did you get down so fastand dry?" I dripped irritably.

"We took off our cloths and held them aloft as we slid down, then put them back on."

I blinked in new admiration. "The weapons too?"

"Yes."

"Wow"

"Well, We've had a few thousand years to perfect it."

"How come you didn't shoot out the bottom?"

"We have mastered the momentum."

I was officially impressed. "Damn, I feel inferior now."

"You are a human. It is only natural." Haldir informed me as he handed back my staff and the hat.

"Alright, now to get you some food and accommodation. Perhaps a change of cloths. I think I have a splendid gown of green that would suit you. And in the morning I shall find a rower to see you safely to the rest of the fellowship." Celeborn offered. "Now, would you like to stay in the"

I plopped on the hat and made sure to give Haldir a smack on the back of the head with my staff when he turned his back on me. When he turned back I just looked innocent and big eyed. He glared at me and took up a pace behind me this time.

Suddenly my attention turned to Celeborn, wait, did he just say he had a green gown? I decided to ignore that and carry on. "Umcould I stay near the nudist colony, by any chance? I enjoy seeing a people reveal their beliefs."

"Are you sure? There's a celebration there tonight and I would hate to see it disturb your rest."

A naked elf party? "Don't worry, I'm a heavy sleeper."

"Well, then I suppose it should not pose a problem."

"No, no problem at all." My giddy permi-grin was back in place.

*****

I waved farewell to my new friends as the boat left the shores of the Golden Wood. And shouted another apologize to Haldir for the black eye I gave him. I hadn't meant to punch himbut he was standing too close when my fist swung out when he came to wake me up this morning. I was a little more violent than usual in leaving my tree root as I was suffering the effects of a massive hang over. It took Haldir and several of his guard to pry me out of the covers, away from the pillow and off the mattress. As fitting me attached to the mattress through the door had been an issue. Celeborn had refused to let them cut a bigger door. So they were forced to remove me from the bed.

Last night was a bit of a blur. Well, a lot of a blur. Okay, after I walked out of my room and joined the nudist elves in their chugging contest it was a complete blur. I recall dancing, and drinking and playing twister with some friendly elves. Though, when they tried to get me out of my cloths, for some reason I refused. I also remember seeing Celeborn in a pink dress, and I think Galadriel was arm wrestling a tree at one point. But I'm really not sure. As I said it was all a blur.

Now I was off to catch up the rest of the fellowship. There were two tall, chiseled, blond elves rowing the boat to get me there faster. They seemed very intense about the whole rowing thing. I decided to introduce myself as it could be a long journey.

"Um, hi. I'm Julie."

"We are aware." The blue eyed one at the front of the boat said.

"We were told of you, and asked if we would volunteer to steer you up the great river to join your companions." Stated the green eyed one from the back.

"Oh." That was helpful information that I was unaware of. I thought with much sarcasm. "Sowhat are your names?"

"I am Thoth." Said the green eyed one.

"I am his elder brother, Thor." Replied the other.

"Thoth and Thor? Good thing you don't have a lisp."

Neither twitched.

"Sohave any other siblingsa Thom perhaps?"

"We have a sister," said Thoth.

"Bill," said Thor.

I stared blankly at Thor's back. "Your sister's name is Bill?"

"Yes," said Thor.

"Bill is a very respectable name in Middle-Earth," chimed in Thoth.

"I see." I studied Thoth for a moment and remembered something. "Weren't you dancing in a gold sequined loin cloth with Celeborn last night?"

His face seemed to brighten. "Yes! I always wanted to dance professionally, but I don't have the legs for it. I still dance in the hopes of filling others with joy! Celeborn seems to think I have good arches. And he believes my wish to spread joy through movement is a well founded one. If I can make just one person happy through my dancing, I know I will have fulfilled my purpose in life."

Yes, this was going to be a long journey

*****

The rest of the fellowship were making themselves comfortable on the shore. Legolas was expressing his uncertainties to Aragorn. Pippin had suddenly taken a great interest in the river.

"A shadow and a threat are growing in my mind"

"Hey guys!"

"JULIE! Merry, it's Julie! She's alive!" Squealed Pippin and the hobbits and dwarf suddenly started to cheer and jump. Thoth and Thor brought the boat in and I was smothered in hobbits before I had a chance to get out. We had ourselves a nice little cuddle fest before I managed to get out of the boat. I gathered my staff and adjusted the hat and suddenly found myself in the embrace of Legolas.

"I thought you had perished!" he cried out and twirled me around. 

I was stunned. "Not that I'm complaining. I'm just a little surprised at the sudden affection."

Legolas released me and met my eyes with his in confusion. "Your affections and manner make me uncomfortablebut that does not mean I wished you dead. Perhaps being around the hobbits has worn off on me."

"Oh. So you don't like me, but don't dislike me enough to want me dead?"

"Yes." He agreed.

"Well, then there's hope yet." I said and wrapped my arms around him in a bear hug.

"Butyou died," whispered Aragorn. "People do not recover from that type of fall. They just don't." 

"I bounce?" I offered the obviously confused ranger. 

"Well, we have seen you safely to the fellowship. Now we must return to Lothlorien. Farewell! And next time you visit you can come see our performance." Thor called out as they pushed the boat from the shore.

"Bye Thoth! Bye Thor!" I waved as they departed. "They scare me." I muttered to Legolas.

"Butyou can not bounce like that!" Aragorn complained. "And why are you wearing Mithrandir's hat?"

"I missed you all too," I gave Aragorn a hug making sure to not inhale on contact. For some reason where Legolas was dirt repellant, Aragorn was a grime magnet. 

"Where's Frodo?"

We all looked around the clearing and noticed Boromir's absence as well. "Damn, and I was starting to like him too." I muttered low enough that not even Legolas could understand me.

Soon they had split up and gone in search of Frodo and the Steward of Gondor. I walked into the woods with them, but simply did a circle and came back to sit by the water. Everyone would end up back here anyway, no point in getting myself killed or one of them killed by getting in the way. 

Soon the sound of metal on metal, screams of anguish and shrieks of unpleasant surprise greeted my ears. Eventually I heard the horn of Gondor. And decided I couldn't sit here and do nothing. Well, I could but I wasn't feeling very good about myself. Normally I was proud of my cowardice, why had my spine decided that now was a good time to grow? Damn me!

I ran towards the sound of the horn. I dashed over foliage, scrambled over a fallen tree, leaped over branches and trampled one ring bearer. I stopped long enough to pull the poor, startled hobbit back to his feet and wipe off some of the footprints and forest.

His massive eyes sucked me in for a moment and his mouth was hanging open. "Jules! You're alive!"

I gave Frodo a hug and patted him on the head. "Yep, no time to explain, trying to use my powers of Mary-Sue to save Boromir. Good luck in Mordor! Stay strong and don't listen to the ring!" I hugged him again for good measure. "You're so cute!" Then turned and sprinted away.

After a good deal of running and panting I trampled another hobbit. This one was rather panicked.

"Julie! Have you seen Mr. Fr-"

"That way Sam, towards the river, hurry or you'll miss him!" I cried out pointing wildly to the direction I figured the landing site to be in. He nodded and started to dash off, "oh Sam! Rope! Ahhe's gone." I cursed as I continued my mad dash. 

Finally I burst into the center of the Boromir-for-acadamy-award battle. Pippin and Merry were huddled together as and I saw the first arrow slam into the man. 

I froze now, as I had no idea what to do. Running here with heroic thoughts was all fine and good when you were running. But these Uruk-Hai were rather large, smelly and made me want to fall to the ground in a withering mass of dread, crying for my mother. Actually, a large semi-automatic would be more appropriate. These creatures evoked fear in me that I had never felt before. It went beyond even the terror brought about by Clowns, Don Cherry and pink shaved canines. 

I was afeared.

And frozen in place, actually whimpering, as I tried to think of something to do. The hobbits were transfixed by what they were witnessing and Boromir was demonstrating his abundance of adrenaline and stubbornness by not dying. The man had gutsof course they were now a little less intact than before. Ack. 

Poor Boromir! I saw him take a second arrow and was still frozen. Then the third and I cringed. Suddenly, the hobbits were charging into the nasty beasties' open arms and they were about to run away with them. Lurtz was looking awfully proud of himself. That smug Monty-Python wanna be bastard. I picked up a rock and threw it.

Of course I missed and hit an innocent tree instead. Lurtz turned to glare at me. Oops. I smiled sheepishly and waved back at him.

"Sorry?"

He showed me his pointy teeth and I cringed again. 

"You know, you'd think Saruman the white would instruct in dental hygiene. And I'm not a man, so there will be no tasting of my fleshokay?"

"Capture the halfling!" He bellowed at a passing Uruk-Hai. Who then started charging toward me.

Naturally, I was a little confused. I looked behind me. Halfling? There were no other hobbits around here. I suddenly saw the Uruk-Hai getting very close to me and realized Lurtz thought that I was a hobbit. "Hey! Now wait just one second here. I am not that short!"

"Bring him unspoiled!" He bellowed

Okay, now I was offended. "HIM?!" I shrieked. And when the Uruk-Hai was close enough I swung my staff with all my strength and took out his knees. Then whacked him over the head a few times until he was suitably unconscious, then once more for good measure. The fact that I was screaming the entire time may have been what caught it off its guard.

I know turned my attention to the confused Lurtz as I began stalking towards him. "Now you see here, Mr. I am not a him! You see these right here? That makes me a woman! Okay? I am not manly and I am not short so you just take all the shit back and step away from the human, because he's part of my posse! AND BRING BACK MY HOBBITS GADDAMNIT! And brush your teeth! You smell worse than Aragorn after a rainstorm. Understand?" Damp ranger was one of those odors that are best left to the imagination. As the imagination is more pleasant on the senses. The imagination doesn't make one faint or curl one's nose hair either.

Lurtz was trying simultaneously to back away from my advance, look fierce, avoid eye contact, and raise his bow. Before he could notch an arrow I slammed my staff into his crotch region. I heard Boromir gasp, and Lurtz make a very unspawn-of-evil squeak. "So much for feeling no pain. I guess since your mother is a man in a white gown, who lives in a giant phallic symbol, this was to be expected though."

Reality suddenly tapped my shoulder and pointed to Lurtz, then ran screaming. And it was the moment those yellow eyes turned to stare with all consuming hatred at me that I figured I should be doing the same. 

"Don't insult Master Saruman."

"Eep." I squeaked and ran faster than I had ever run before. If it was possible I think I broke the sound barrier as I could hear my scream following me as I dove behind a tree. I felt a flash of pain as my scream turned into an arrow that hit my arm on its way by. "OW! Shit! You bastard!" I grabbed another rock and hurled it towards where Lurtz was. It fell short. Which really pissed me off. But I'd already seen where not to go with that.

I could hear it move, then a big crash as Aragorn made his dramatic entrance. I sat by the tree and watched holding my arm. Buggery that hurt. I also realized I'd missed seeing Legolas do that cool thing where he takes the one arrow and kills the nasty Uruk-Hai then uses the same arrow to shoot another one. I wanted to see that in person. But then I probably would have been killed. I looked about the forest at the bodies sprawled all over its floor. Amazing how two men, an elf and a dwarf could kill an entire army of super-orcs. I also noted that dead bodies were highly unpleasant, especially on a nice warm day. I chose that moment to be discretely ill behind the nice tree.

By the time I finished Aragorn was kneeling over Boromir. "Ha! So much for super-orc, he can be beheaded just like anyone else." I stated glumly to the tree. I watched as Legolas and Gimli appeared behind Aragorn as he kissed Boromir's brow in farewell. "He wasn't a bad guyjust mislead." I began crying to the tree. "I need a hug, and all the hobbits are gone, and Gandalf's not here, and my arm really hurts." I whined and wrapped my arms around the tree. 

Suddenly Legolas looked up from Aragorn and his brow creased. 

"What is it, Legolas?" Purred Aragorn.

"One of the trees isdistressed."

Three pairs of eyes turned in my direction. 

"Oh."

"That explains things."

"Lass? Arrrre you alrrrrright?"

"Noooooooo," I wept. "I need a hobbit cuddle!"

"Oh dearrr." Said Gimli. "What do we do?"

"Find a hobbit?" Suggested Legolas.

"Where's Sam?" Demanded Aragorn.

I hugged the tree and left them take the body and figure things out. Eventually, it was time to go, so they simply removed my arms from the tree and I latched onto the elf. Aragorn saw to my wound by washing it and tossing a bandage over it.

After much sniffing, howling, and distressed, reassuring pats from Legolas, I managed to pull myself together. I still hiccuped as Boromir went down the falls and I finally let go of Legolas. Much to his relief. There was a moment of sadness as they realized the fellowship had broken with Frodo and Sam's leave. Then fear for the other two hobbits set in. "Let's hunt some Orc!" Aragorn announced cheerfully. Gimli and Legolas seemed pleased and the three of them leapt gleefully into the wood. 

I groaned and trudged after them. I adjusted my hat and made my way less gracefully over the roots. "Must we always run?"

**Well, that's all until the TT comes out. Thank you to everyone who was kind enough to leave a review. It encourages me to know my madness is worth while.


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